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By Maura Madden
This past Tuesday afternoon my mother called me sounding pretty excited. "Honey, I'm not sure of you're free tonight, but I've got two extra tickets to a Broadway show." If someone offers me free tickets to anything, I will go; I don't really care what it is. My mom didnŐt want the tickets because she and my dad had seen the show before, and my dad didn't like it. I believe his exact review was: "Honey, it was horrible." I figured I was going to agree with my dad, but I was anticipating that I was going to enjoy it because it was horrible. And I guess you can just call me psychic, 'cause I was right. And I was right because I saw Elton John's Aida.
That's right, people. I saw Elton John's Aida, starring Toni Braxton. I'll let that sink in for a moment before moving on.
Now, I hate Disney for all the usual reasons. It's the factory of generic dreams, the perpetuator of the most insidious kinds of stereotypes and ideals, the eliminator of all mother figures, and a source of intense emotional and developmental damage for our world's youth. True to Disney form, the story of Aida is based on someone elseŐs story ("suggested" by the Verdi opera, of course), but so changed and manipulated that all of the depth has been removed. But unlike other Disney productions, Aida is not a "family" show. I didn't see a single person under the age of 18 at the show. Those lucky children, they'll never know what they've escaped.
The opening scene is set in the Egyptian Wing of a museum. People dressed in modern white clothes are milling around various glass cases. Then one of the statues comes to life, yes, comes to life, to sing the opening number, "Every Story is a Love Story." Lyrics and song titles by Tim Rice, ladies and gentleman, don't blame me. (I only know what the title of the song is because I kept the Playbill. I intend to use it as a form of birth control. I plan to bring it with me to bars and parties to make sure that no man will come within five feet of me.) I have no clue as to what the actual song lyrics were because they were so completely boring and anti-catchy. The basic gist of the song was "I'm setting up the premise of the play for you people even though you probably know the story. You should know itŐs a love story, and it's tragic, but it's totally Disney, so there is a happy ending. Just remember that if you get scared or sad at some point."
The next song is "Fortune Favors the Brave," a rousing little pro-military number, replete with soldiers without shirts. Then Aida shows up and sings a song called "The Past is Another Land." I donŐt even remember hearing that song. I think that Aida had just proven herself to be quite the feisty little slave by taking arms against her master and was now pining for her freedom. As you might imagine, this act of bravery caused her master to fall in love with her, and approximately 10 seconds later, she fell in love with him right back.
Pretty thick plot already, but then Zoser and the Ministers (not a 50s doo-wop band, but I understand your confusion) take the stage, a stable of whirling-dervishes-wearing-military-mandarin-collars-a-la-Janet-Jackson's-Rhythm-Nation-video. Their number, which was the worst one in the entire show, was called "Another Pyramid." And thought they looked like Elton John had handpicked them, these men could not dance to save their lives. Their moves were completely sloppy and they were not in synch. And it's not as if they were grappling with difficult choreography - the moves were so boring and simple most slow students in a low-impact step aerobics class could have kicked their asses. They basically just moved swiftly around the stage creating formations that, in retrospect, were probably supposed to look like pyramids. They didn't look like pyramids. I felt like I was watching a really bad high school play. As for the singing, I could barely understand a word, but I think they were trying to intimate that Zoser was up to no good at all. The no-good that he was up to revolved around him wanting to have a pyramid built in his name. The only lyrics I remember from that hit were:
Zoser: Build another pyramid!
The Ministers: Build it, build it!
Yup, Cole Porter's got nothin' on Mr. Tim Rice.
If they asked me, I could write a book about this nightmare they call a play. I didn't even tell you yet about the green laser-beam triangle that lights up the stage in the first number of the second act. At this point in the play, we are well aware of the fact that the entire story is about a love triangle, but just in case someone in the audience recently had a lobotomy, the lighting designer has decided to help you figure it all out. I don't want to ruin the end for you, but Aida and her lover are buried alive in a tomb together, where they sing one last song called, "Elaborate Lives (Reprise)." I guess the song is supposed to be ironic at that point, 'cause life is not very elaborate when you've just been buried alive in a tomb. Yup, at that point, you're down to the bare essentials of life, minus the food and air, go heavy on the melodrama.
And whom can we blame for this travesty? Well, Elton John, for starters, but let's not stop there. Courtesy of the "Theatregoers Notebook," I found out the following information about members of the cast. I knew going in that I didn't really like Toni Braxton, but I couldn't remember most of her songs. The Playbill reminds me of her hits, and now I am positive that every song she has ever sung is a song that I have hated. "Another Sad Love Song," "Breathe Again," and one of my least favorite songs in the free world, "Un-Break My Heart." But even though Toni has won six Grammys, her "proudest accomplishments are sons Denim and Diezel Ky." Good choice of names, Toni. The names should be your proudest accomplishments, not the kids themselves. Yes, the Playbill is full of interesting information. As it turns out, Will Chase, the man who plays Radames, is a "Classically trained conductor and percussionist... has worked with such classical music luminaries as John Cage."
So Will, I guess music is really important to you, huh? Yeah, I guess that's why you chose to be in this piece-of-crap production. And it turns out that David Henry Hwang, the co-author of the book Aida, has written opera libretti for composer Philip Glass. And what about the director? Well, in 1999 he won a Tony for Best Director for Death of a Salesman, and his opera directorial credits include productions for the Metropolitan Opera. But clearly Aida is the feather in the cap of all of these theater artists. So if you're in New York, check out Aida. You won't be disappointed. |
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