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The Station Agent & Underworld
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Alright, so I seem to be about eight months too late on this, but I want to speak briefly about two films which warrant attention and avoidance, respectively.
I recently went to the stinky little Opera Plaza for a mid-day screening of The Station Agent. I was hoping to see this one in Sundance a year ago, but it was not to be. Of course I was drawn to it there because it was the only film featuring a dwarf. But once it came out stateside, I was less enthusiastic about it. It seemed to be too contrived. So I do what I always do when something gets too hot, I let it cool. Like my fame. Or my thunderbooty.
So it turns out that this movie is actually worth the praise that was heaped upon it like so much horse manure on a dewy Amish country morning. Sweet and satisfying like a funnel cake, The Station Agent contains one of my favorite clips of all time. The dwarf, Finn walks along the train tracks and all of a sudden a rotund black girl pops out of the woods and follows him. When he stops she stops. When he puts his hands in his pockets, she does and so on. But when he stops and says hello, she runs off. It is so freaking funny. Well, to me it was. One of the drawbacks of seeing a matinee at Opera Plaza is that they truck in a seniors for the day. It's almost as if they've just been dethawed from their cryogenic sleep chambers for the afternoon cause their sense of humor is stifled deep down in their frozen bellies. So I was the only one laughing at this screen moment. And when I laugh at something like that, it keeps going. Like through the next scene and whenever that little chubby girl appeared onscreen again. So funny. She runs so funny. Anyway - the thing I like about pissing off seniors is that they are so slow.
The other feature I recently watched at the Bewl Home Theater was the Vampire vs Werewolf disaster, Underworld. So apparently the Hatfields and the McCoy's have nothing on some creepy extras from the Matrix. I knew it was going to be lame, but my friends this is some serious blood sucking guano. It's one of those things where pale faced folks in leather coats, careen around an empty city in a Toyota Celica through an endless rainy night. I guess that Underworld is Seattle.
The villains are all not who you think, and then they are, and they are not again. Uh -- what? Do we need confusing plots in a movie where hot babes bite necks and people use "daylight bullets". Yeah, I said daylight bullets. Don't worry they make silver nitrate bullets too. But they do NOT change into bats. Why not? I mean, if you were fighting a giant werewolf, wouldn't you, at least once, want to change into a fucking giant bat and tear some shit up with some giant wings and then fly away carrying the wolf high above Rainy Town and drop his lupine ass on the Space Needle? BEW-YEAH!
The people in those creature shops worked really hard and the wolves are pretty scary, though not so hairy as they should be. In fact, they look like this dude I saw at Gold's Gym once.
Don't rent it. It ain't as good as the movie you can make in your head.
Bewley-out |
