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Many thanks to the right reverend (Brian) Perkins for his edu-taining movie selection this past week. Not only was this movie emotionally demanding and totally and completely thrilling, but it made me laugh and think at the same time. I speak of course of the Christian Coalition's movie of the year, the recipient of the coveted Burning Cross award for achievement in sound editing, the Corbin Bernsen and Mr. T. epic, Judgment. And yes, that's how they spell it. No time for an extra "e" when you're putting Satan on trial.
My praise for this movie knows no end, especially considering the gorgeous, no George-ous* DVD format. The extras here are worth their weight in fish and bread. (Especially liked Mr. T's inspirational quote: "To have a comeback you need to have a setback. ÊAnd I'm back." Yes you are Mr. T. Yes, you are.) Also of note was the touching celebration of Mr. Bernsen's 50th birthday party held in a horribly lit cafeteria surrounded by crew members from a different movie. Poking at his birthday dinner of leafy ice berg lettuce and carrot shavings, Corbin's spirits are lifted to the ceiling when Mr. T wows him with a birthday cake. Watch carefully and you'll see one of the neighboring crew members wipe his mouth and look over and then back at his plate. Yep, that fever is called Corbin and it is infectious!
While admittedly no scholar of the scriptures, I will attempt to lay out the plot of this movie, which I think speaks for itself. Satan has taken over the world promising world peace in this life, but no guarantee of anything in the afterlife, which is pretty ok by most of the world. (Hey Hindus! Reincarnation Reincarschmation, join Satan and have like a totally great job!) So everyone is following this scenery chewing devil in disguise, you can tell cause they all have to get a boring triangle tattoo on their hands. In this case it's the mark of the beast. And the beast's name is Franco Mancoluso.
Perhaps I should stop here and say that again.
The devil's name, is Franco Mancoluso.
First of all...why would anyone trust/elect another dictator-like leader with the name Franco? Oh wait, why would anyone trust/elect another leader named Bush? I digress!
So Franco is in charge of the O.N.E, (One Nation Earth) a thinly veiled jab in the side at the UN. Kofi Annan said Ouch! And they've run all the Christ-believers out of town and underground. In a confusing and unnecessary bit of scripting the Christians are called Haters. As in the protagonist's name, The Hater, Helen Hannah. Amazingly Annoying Alliteration Abounds! She's on trial for being the world's biggest criminal. And I can't blame them - she is a really bad actress. But her crimes have to do with open worship and some other stuff that apparently happened in the first three episodes of this epic series, which I am sure are screening constantly in a multi-plex in hell.
So Corbin (finally!) is called in to defend The Hater, Helen Hannah, but natch, he's going head to head with his old flame, the beguiling female lawyer! Oh no! And she's wearing red. Also Lucifer (they drop the Franco bit halfway through the movie) has scripted the entire trial! WOW! WOW! HOW ARE THEY GOING TO GET OUT OF THIS CRAZY JAM?
Well, it turns out that Corb has not totally gone over to the dark side. His dad was a priest, I think, either that or he operated an old gas station that was surrounded by chain link fence and had a cross on the top. Always make sure you get the cross in your tank! Cross gas, Jesus that's good gas! So his dad died a hater, and I think Corb defended him, but let him die, so he has like, all this guilt and stuff, so he slowly turns around to help The Hater, Helen Hannah.
Also The Hater, Helen Hannah has a bunch of old pals who are living under the earth. In the bombed out remains of an abandoned, but well lit and extravagantly decorated BART station, lives humanity's last hope. And yes, once again, that hope is spelled M-R. T.
Mr. T and a friend that can drive and another friend that likes chocolate...a lot...(as in he is willing to die for it. And he does.) all get in the old A-Team Van and drive over to a water fountain outside an office building. There Mr. T casually walks in after his choco-buddy has been gunned down by the security forces guarding the water fountain. He waltzes in to the open prison cell, which is now shared by The Hater, Helen Hannah and her friend, and some posters, and a desk, and a nice lamp, and a chair, cause she is THE WORLD'S MOST DANGEROUS CRIMINAL!
The trial has gone on and on, the judge is an agent of Lucifer as well. They most ridiculous moments include a guy who was a cripple who can now move small objects across a table top. THANK YOU FRANCO! And there are several attempts to call Jesus to the stand. AS IF! And two appearances by Franco Mancolucifer! (a real gaffe made by the actress playing the devil lawyer! ha ha ha ha ha !) He's running the world, but apparently he's always just off screen. He appears everywhere. Enter FRANCO!
So The Hater, Helen Hannah is free and escapes with Mr. T. And the headline of the paper reads The Hater, Helen Hannah Escapes!
Or something like that.
Boy if anything can get me back into church it's this. You sometimes get the feeling that the whole enterprise just needs a little help from people who can see ridiculous for what it is and call a terd a terd.
Bewley,
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