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Reporter's Notebook: From the Files of Old Lou
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| apr 19 - 25 |
| chocolatey, moist, expired |
| hi: 75 |
| lo: 48 |
Contributed by JCW, April 2004 
Anyone who saw Killing My Lobster Pop! and appreciated the character of "Old Lou" from the "Rumor Mill" sketch will surely appreciate this sampling of his column, from the Gossip County Gazette. Dateline is October 28, 2001...
"If You Ask Me..."
Lou Billichek
10.28.01
I had my annual physical at Doc Brauner's the other day. Doc says I've been gaining weight since my last visit. I am sorry, Doc, I said... I have that rare condition... Not only do I happen to retain water, I retain the solid foods as well...
My friend Butch tells me that by law you are required to turn on your headlights when it's foggy on Cape Cod. Okay, I say, but whose gonna let me know when it's foggy in the Cape?...
Rebecca writes of changes at the local YWCA. Seems there are 5 new nautilus machines and a brand new sauna. These changes have inspired several old members to stop in again. Rumor has it Police Chief O'Malley goes there 5 times a week... exercising everything but a keen fashion sense! Cynthia Creely writes with an observation from her mother... Men go home each day, take a look at what's in the fridge and go to bed; women come home each day, take a look at what's in the bed, and go to the fridge. An oldie but a goodie, C...
People have been wondering what all the grousing is about at Wanda's Gas & Sip. It's always been a favorite among the truckers who pass through G.C. each night. Seems the new manager is making some curious changes to how the word gets out about the excellent eats and cheap fuel that the Tubman family has been serving up since the family has been running the place (some 20 years now, going on my memory). The enormous new sign above the entrance is not really driving up business. In fact some teenagers have already tried to steal it a few times, prompting Wanda to bolt it to the roof. The message on the sign: "Eat here and get gas"...
Rumor has it Mayor Tillington recently started taking courses at the local zen buddhist center. Supposedly it's done a lot for his outlook on life, and his ability to be more reliable on the job. He spends 300 dollars a month for bi-weekly breathing classes. As I've told Butch, the mayor continues to find new ways to do so little while spending so much...
Pete writes in with this observation--as the election season draws closer. What's the difference between a pizza and the average annual salary earned by a resident of Gossip County? A pizza can feed a family of four.
Louis "Old Lou" Billchek has penned a daily column in the Gossip County Gazette for 38 years. He is the author of the memoir, Time Flies... Especially When You Throw The Alarm Clock As Much As I Do and, with Mitch Albom, The 11,247 People Your Meet in Gossip County. He is semi-retired and lives with his wife, Maureen, in Key West, FL. He is a completely fictional character. |
