James Reichmuth belongs to the surreal and super funny SF sketch group, Kasper Hauser, who are performing at Cobb's Comedy Club with fellow sketch comedians Totally False People on November 18.

 Below James shares with us an e-mail correspondence he conducted with a Nigerian scammer. It's all too real.

 _______________

 Mr. Justice Shaish,

 I have read the terrible things that have happened with your financial situation in Nigeria, and I would like to help--IF YOU CAN GUARANTEE that i would make some money to cover my costs. I am retired from the railroad business for 37 years, and I know a scam when I see one; I also have been able to save a large amount of money over the last 40 years. I must admit, I'm a little nervous doing business over the internet. I could also travel if need be to a neutral location or to Nigeria, if needed. What would be the next step in helping you guys out?

 Sincerely,
 Jock Plenary, CEO
 San Fertando Valley Agricultural Bank
 California 98-0982


Attn: Jock Plenary,


I acknowlede the receipt of your mail and i am very happy that you are willing to help me in this transaction.

 All that is needed from you is your trust and you have to treat this deal very confidential. You have to send to us your mailing address and your telephone and fax number with your banking datas so that the accredited attorney attached with contract payment will use it to obtain all the valid documents that will back you up as the true owner of the fund.

 Be aware that as soon as these is done you will receive the money through the paying bank incharge of contract payment.

 Please send it now so that we can start the transaction without further delays.

 Best Regards,

 Mr Justice Shaish ( N.N.P.C )

 Mr. Shaish,

 My fax number is 415.268.0709, and my phone number is a Bimmelman's Business transaction decoder (type II) are you guys ok with GSM/GPRS lines? If not, I'll need to give you a dolphin decoder. But I'll need some sort of rotary code from you, either way. For now just send it on Ahonotu 0409 Mark I (Miami) and just tell the operator it's a "double-glazer".

 Another question is more important; I don't want to arouse suspicion, but I have two separate banks, and I'm not sure which would be best. One is my savings and one is my primary checking.

 My bank names are:

 Land Bank/UCSF Zoo Trust
 Kangaroo Donor Millionaire Fund
 1 Sloat Blvd
 San Frantillo, CA 94112


The second is:
 Stanford Community Mancestor GISM
 134 University Ave
 Stanford, CA 94156-0892


I can use either...just let me know (there may be a Welsertian Block on the Land Bank account...their minimum balance just got raised...)

 Write me back ASAP,

 Your friend in trust,
 Jock Plenary, DVM


ATTN: JOCK PLENARY,

 SIR,

 I RECEIVED YOUR MAIL AND I WILL EXPLAIN TO YOU THE BEST WAY TO HANDLE THIS TRANSACTION.

 YOU CAN SEND YOUR DIRECT CELL PHONE NUMBER OR G.S.M NUMBER SO THAT I CAN REACH YOU. WHEN I SPEAK WITH YOU I WILL GIVE YOU THE CODE NUMBER FOR SECURITY REASON, THE DOCUMENTS WILL BE SENT TO THE AHONOTU MAIMI ADDRESS, BASED ON THE ISSUE OF YOUR BANK. I THINK ALSO THAT WE WILL USE THE LAND BANK WHICH IS YOUR SAVINGS ACCOUNT.

 FURTHERMORE YOU CAN NOW SEND THE ACCOUNT WITH YOUR SWIFT CODE TO US. WHEN WE RECEIVE THESE INFORMATIONS , THE ATTORNEY WILL OBTAIN THE PAPERS AND SEND A COPY TO YOU AND ALSO TO THE BANK BEFORE THEY WILL CONTACT YOU FOR PAYMENT THEREAFTER.

 I WILL COMPASATE YOU WITH 30% FROM THE TOTAL AMOUNT FOR YOUR ASSISTANCE, CALL ME ON TEL:234-1-7763224 FOR MORE BRIEFING.

 GOD BLESS YOU.

 MR JUSTICE SHAISH

 Mr. Shaish,
 Where are you?! I have tried calling for two days! I have the Swift code for Land Bank/Kangaroo Millionaire Donor Fund (is it safe to e-mail?).

 I first thought there was a thumb protector on my phone but now I'm worried that I'm missing some sort of Nigerian hand mask: must I dial a country code first?

 I WILL NOT BE MADE THE PONY BOY: IXNAY! If this is a scam, I want to know about it. I'm here to help Nigeria.

 God Bless Me and You Both,
 J. Plenary, CEO

 P.S. Sorry if I seem irritated, but a horribleness has befelsterred my children's academy: Phyllis the Boy fell into a bottling machine, and I am busy, Mr. Shaish...busy with a capital Jesus.

 SEND YOUR NUMBERS I WANT TO CALL YOU NOW.....

 SHAISH

 Mr. Shashi,
 Bravo, I like a forceful plan/Nigerian Helping Opportunity. I'm so nervous about this; I don't know why (my uncle was a Colonel in the Salvation Army AND invented a vaccine: WE ARE NOT A FAMILY TO BE TOYED WITH). But I have all the info (Swift code, phone number, and acct. numbers); just to be on the safe side, I'll send code words first and then a second e-mail.

 1=Hobbit
 2=Bilbo
 3=Dildo
 4=Donkey
 5=Jumbo
 6=Yankee
 7=Pony
 8=Growler
 9=Wolfbait
 0=Junkie


Just match this list against the code words in my separate e-mail. PLEASE call me today (I will be in home until 1700 Central Railroad Time): I hunger for completion. When this is over and your money is safe and we are bedded down of a summer's eve, I will remain:

 Very Sincerely,
 J. Plenary, Own Company Starter

 Phone number: Junkie-Hobbit-Bilbo
 Jumbo-Jumbo-Jumbo-Growler Jumbo-Bilbo-Donkey-Wolfbait

 Swift Code: Donkey-Donkey-Hobbit Junkie-Bilbo
 Pony-Yankee-Jumbo-Donkey

 Bank Address:
 Land Bank/UCSF Zoo Trust
 Kangaroo Donor Millionaire Fund
 1 Sloat Blvd
 San Frantillo, CA 941125

 Savings Account Number:
 Donkey-Junkie-Wolfbait-Growler-Jumbo-Hippy-Dildo-Yankee-Hobbit-Pony

 Does this all make sense? It should. I look forward to your call today. PLEASE WRITE IF THERE ARE ANY QUESTIONS.

 Hold me,
 Jock Plenary

 WHAT DOYOUMEAN. ARE YOU EVER SERIOUS IN YOUR LIFE AND THE TRANSACTION

 You have passed the test, Mr. Shaish! Congratulations.

 You need only this piece of the puzzle: HIPPY=X

 I will expect the money tomorrow; you, my friend will be the Bonobo-ficiary.

 Go back to the e-mails, Mr. Shaish...the answers are in the code: DO NOT LOSE YOUR PASSION FOR HELPING NIGERIA.

 Trust me,
 Jock Plenary, Black Belt (Hon.)