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MY IRRESOLUTIONS FOR 2005
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By Terry Wellman
In 2005 I may or may not:
1. End my fascination with professional bull riding.
2. Reread Bridges of Madison County and re-live the sweet, sweet agony.
3. Refrain from mentioning Paris Hilton, the Red States, midget clowns,
my ass or anything to do with human asses in this column.
4. Sing Blister in the Sun at next year's office Christmas party.
5. Overmedicate myself and drive my grandfather's bulldozer.
6. Pay a lot for this muffler.7. Get a take-home copy of the film from my colonoscopy.8. Stop referring to my thighs as Punch and Judy.9. Send prank letters to the International Monetary Fund.10. Troll for food court girls (with apologies to Ben Folds).11. Insist on pant-less days at the office.12. Become addicted to The O.C.13. Forget everything I learned in kindergarten.14. Lament the rise in irony past pre-9/11 levels.15. Have homoerotic dreams of He-Man and Skeletor wrestling.16. Blow up like Jerry Lewis.17. Perform surgery in exchange for personal favors.18. Buy every possible Ronco product and then invite all of you over for kick-ass dinner.19. Resort to Courtney Love-type histrionics just to get you to read my columns.20. Go where no man has gone before.21. Kick it old skool.22. Write a novel in which midget clowns and talking furniture take over the world.23. Continue to save all of the finger and toe nail clippings for that "science project".24. Stop bugging Andrea about taking a trip to Antarctica.25. Wake up from the nap I am about to take.We'll just have to see how the year goes. |
