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EPA ANNOUNCES SOLUTION TO O-ZONE HOLE

Washington, D.C.
January 7th, 2005

by Pierre Vladimir Stroud

The EPA announced today that it was close to solving the problem of the growing hole in the O-Zone layer.  Outgoing EPA head Mike Leavitt informed reporters that the Ozone would be "totally gone" in 3-5 years.

"People will soon be able to forget about that whole hole," he said.Leavitt praised the vision of the Bush administration in its approach to this environmental issue.

"We have said from day one -- no Ozone, no hole.  That's just common sense," Leavitt explained at a press conference this morning.

"Extremists from the radical eco-hooligan fringe have tried to smear our approach. They've said that we are not serious about protecting the environment. Well, guess what?  We just solved the entire problem, f--- you very much."Leavitt was told by a reporter that mainstream environmental groups had recently issued their own press release, arguing that the destruction of the Ozone would soon make the planet uninhabitable for humans.  The EPA's adminstrator responded confidently.  "Look, the Green Party eggheads and Sierra Club bureaucrats can try to spin the issue however they want.  But they've been bellyaching about this thing for years, and the problem just kept getting worse.  President Bush and I believe that actions speak louder than words.  And thanks to our actions, soon there won't be anything left to talk about."When a reporter from the alternative press asked if there was any connection between the timing of this announcement and Leavitt's recent purchase of majority shares in several companies that specialize in underwater condominiums and aluminum body suits, Leavitt said that he "had to catch a submarine" and hastily exited the room.  His stunned press aide was unable to offer further comment.