MEDICAL MYSTERY SURROUNDING SENATOR'S DEATH CONTINUES
 by Pierre Vladimir StroudWashington, D.C., January 24, 2005
Doctors are still puzzled by the death in early January of Senator Patrick Leahy (D--VT), Ranking Member on the Senate Judiciary Committee. While medical experts continued to debate the possibilities of "Sudden Micro-Cranial Fission" and "Explosive Head Syndrome," the White House has entered the fray, arguing that the Senator was killed by an insidious Al Qaeda operation.
President Bush told reporters, "Look, as I said in my 2003 State of the Union address, Al Qaeda may have possession of nucular weapons as small as a tennis ball. Isn't there a high probability that they may have smuggled a tennis ball inside of Senator Leahy's skull, in which it then exploded the guy's melon to smithereens?" In retaliation for this alleged attack, the Defense Department said that it is now drawing up plans to simulateously invade Syria, Iran, and France.Leahy's mysterious death occurred on Thursday, January 6th, in the midst of a rancorous confirmation hearing with the president's nominee for Attorney General, Alberto Gonzales. As the late afternoon hearing wore on, the committee's questions concerning Gonzales' approach to civil liberties and limits on executive power grew increasingly pointed.At one point, Senator Leahy asked for the nominee's position on the Supreme Court's ruling that foreign combatants held at Guantanamo Bay could make habeas corpus claims in American courts. Gonzales said that he forcefully disagreed with the ruling. When asked why, he said, "Because the president says they can't." After a few moments of stunned silence, Leahy asked him to elaborate.Gonzales explained that, in his view, "The constitution says that the president can do whatever he wants. I mean, he's the bossman, right??" As Gonzales spoke, a visibly agitated Leahy began to quiver, sweat, and pound his forehead with a closed fist. Gonzales continued on despite the commotion, saying "The president historically has what the Europeans call 'the divine right of kings.' Which comes directly from God. So people have to do what he says, or else he could just have somebody cut off one of their limbs or something."At this approximate moment Leahy suffered his mysterious death. According to Sen. Joseph Biden (D-DE), "I don't know what happened, but his head just exploded. Scared the hell out of me. I mean, I was covered with the man's brains. That was a friend of mine. And I'm sitting there drenched in his gore. I will never forget that for as long as I live."A panicked crowd rushed out of the Senate chambers as Leahy's headless torso shot a fountain of blood three feet into the air. Federal Marshalls eventually restored order. The hearings were adjourned for the day, and the forensic investigation began almost immediately.Although no tennis ball material or radiation has yet been uncovered from the crime scene, the president remains adamant that Al Qaeda was involved. Yesterday at a fundraiser organized by Pete Coors, the president stared into the distance as he addressed the adoring crowd, looking much like a modern Alexander the Great preparing to ride into battle. The president intoned forcefully, "These terrorists must be made to pay for this horrendous horrificousness committed amidst our midst. And I will make sure that they are paid well. Let that be clear." |
