by Jon Wolanske

Inspired by KML Kisses a Toad, KML's next sketch production, all about fairy tales...

LETTER #1

Dear Wicked Witch,

I am a 34-year old single, professional pig. Both of my brothers have recently found themselves homeless—one because of a windstorm, the other from arson. I love my brothers, but this sty that I call “home” is simply not big enough for all three of us. Whenever I try to bring up this uncomfortable topic with my brothers, they complain that to force them out would be selfish and ‘unbrotherly.’ How can I get them to move on with their lives, and more importantly, move out of my house without losing them forever?

Signed, Pig Over Relatives’ Cloying

Stand your ground. Rather than being grateful for having a caring brother who has done a lot for them already and who deserves to be rewarded with as much love and sympathy as he has shown them, your brothers are attempting to and succeeding at making you feel guilty because they are too lazy and selfish to truly care for themselves. Make yourself heard in no uncertain terms that as guests in your house, they should at the very least always respect their host and know when they have overstayed their welcome. In other words, BURN THEM!

Godspeed,

Wicked Witch (W.W.)

LETTER #2

Dear Wicked Witch,

I am an older man who has tried and failed at love. My face is covered in warts and moles. I am barely two feet tall. I spend many nights singing alone, drunk, around an open fire. I have a great knack for spinning random things into literal gold, but I have yet to spin a chance acquaintance into a lasting relationship. Not so long ago, I had the opportunity to be a father to a beautiful child, but my own inability to strike a sound deal prevented me from keeping him. As women don’t want me from my looks, my only hope for happiness is winning the child back. Yet I haven’t the confidence to know how. Please advise.

Signed, Rumps in a bump

Dear Rumps,

I doubt you are as hopeless as the image that you conjure for yourself would convey. True beauty is subjective, and one needs first to love oneself before one can be expected to be loved by anyone else. If the people around you cannot see the inner beauty that you’ve fostered within yourself, perhaps it is their lenses that need fixing, not your mirrors. To win the child back, know that you are a strong, loving person and approach the babe’s guardian with a rational and considerate case for how you will care for the child. I.E., BURN THEM! Lovingly, W.W.

Dear Wicked Witch,

I am rabbit made of velvet, a soft and soothing skin, usually. I need your help. While most people love to cuddle me I am afraid I can’t be touched. I belonged to a boy once, a boy who was afflicted with a terrible case of scarlet fever. They say that diseases carried by humans cannot be picked up by animals, but one night… something must have happened, and I am afraid I am terminal. I can’t allow anyone to touch me now, because I am so contagious. The boy gave me away when he got better, and now no one wants me. Help! Horny as Hell and Unable to Touch Even Myself Dear Horny, What a tragedy: to want to love and not be able to. The love that you have in your heart can be expressed in multiple ways. You must above all learn how to touch others without literally thinking that touch should be literal and physical. Once you can learn that, you will need no other comfort.

Love, W.W.

P.S. BURN YOURSELF!

LETTER #4

Dear Wicked Witch,

I’m writing in response to the writer “Candles in the Wind” who wrote to you about being in a terrible financial situation. To remind you, he had recently made the leap into selling his homemade candles as a business but having chosen a cheap storefront next to a butcher and a bakery, found that no one wanted to buy candles when they were shopping in the food district. He didn’t know what to do with his overstock. You said BURN THEM! But I think that seeing how well his candles served their natural purpose would only make him sadder. I suggest he kiss them one by one; you never know if they will turn into something cool like a dress or a castle or a prince.

Love, Every Frog Has a Silver Lining

Dear Frog,

Candle’s letter brought responses from many readers who viewed the problem in a different light. Read on.

WW

LETTER #5

Dear Wicked Witch,

Hahahahahahaha… oohhhahahahahaha. Candles! Signed,

Jolly Old Cole

Dear Wicked Witch,

I need some matches for my bathroom. I’ll buy his overstock at market value.

Paul Bunyan

LETTER #7

Dear Witch,

I suggest this candlestickmaker appear on a public access program devoted to confronting the issues plaguing our contemporary society, such as the war between candles and electricity and the downsides of living inside enormous footwear. Community television=community healing!

Signed, Woman in Shoe