BUSH DISCOVERS SOLUTION TO GROWING DEFICIT

Cutting Edge Financial Tool Arrives in White House Mail  

 by Pierre Vladimir Stroud, KML Correspondent

The White House announced today that it has received an extraordinary offer from the Discovery Card corporation. White House spokesman Scott McClellan said, "I think this just goes to show the incredible confidence that the private sector has in this administration. We plan on filling in that form and sending it back as quickly as possible. We'll be able to use this financial resource to pay off government obligations at a very low APR over the next six months.  In addition, we are hopeful that we may be able to secure financing from similar institutions at even lower rates in the future, and then use those tools to pay off the balances from our previous creditors.  Rest assured, we will be opening the President's mail very diligently this year."  When asked about persistent rumors that the deficit was being used to accumulate frequent flyer miles, which would then be utilized to parachute forces into Iran, McClellan responded, "Well, a lot of these things depend on black-out dates."

GOVERNOR SCHWARTENEGGER GIVES MAJOR ADDRESS

Reporters Believe It Had Something to Do with the Economy

Reporters were unsure as to the topic or content of the popular California governor's latest stump speech. Schwarzenegger made several references in the speech to a place called "Khalleephoneeya." Commentators speculated that this might be an allusion to one of the kingdoms conquered by Conan the Barbarian.  After Schwarzenegger concluded his statements by saying, "Deficit is a girlie man, and I will kick its butt," most reporters agreed that the forty-five minute speech probably had something to do with the economy. A vocal minority, however, insisted that it was about professional wrestling.

BUSH TEAM TO PROVE THAT WORLD IS FLAT 

The White House today announced plans to prove that the "round world" theory is a hoax perpetrated by environmentalists and Darwinist/Marxist propagandists. The president projected cautious optimism that the timetable for this massive project would not be thrown off by the Second Coming of Jesus Christ, which one administration insider hinted would be coming "damn soon."