New Reality TV Dating Show for Failed Missile Interceptors
 

by Pierre Vladimir Stroud, KML Correspondent

ABC has high expectations for the newest reality dating show in its spring lineup.  In "Trajectory of Love," missile interceptors that have never successfully met a warhead will be given another chance at finding their soul mate.  ABC is hopeful that American viewers' thirst for romance, along with their fear of nuclear annihilation, will make "Trajectory" the surprise show of the season.

The network's Director of Programming, Mark Edwards, said there is a universal appeal to the stories of these struggling interceptors. "Many viewers will really be able to empathize with their experience.  These guys feel like they were made to be with the right warhead, but just haven't been able to make it happen yet."

One of the show's contestants, Interceptor X-21, previously missed its desired warhead by hundreds of miles during an early test-date, when it failed to separate from its booster rocket.  Interceptor Psychologist Lt. Col. Ethan Redbird has been working with X-21, and offers his commentary during the program. "21 is really afraid to succeed.  I mean, what if he finds the right warhead?  Then he'd have to worry about screwing things up.  Instead, he just stays with the booster in this unfulfilling relationship.  I'm trying to build his confidence up, so he can take that next step."  Redbird is hopeful that “Trajectory” will offer X-21 a new opportunity to find “that special WMD.” Besides attachment issues, the interceptors are faced with a range of other difficulties. One of the crucial traits of the successful interceptor is being able to decide which warhead it wants to go after, because an intercontinental ballistic missile, upon re-entering the atmosphere, usually releases between eight and twenty different warheads (as well as decoys).  In an early episode, Interceptor C-14 launches from its pad and quickly eliminates all but two of the warheads from its targeting.  At this point, however, C-14 became nearly paralyzed by indecision.  "This is the most difficult decision in my whole life," the anguished projectile reports back to Command.  “I feel so attracted to both of these warheads.  This is really confusing.”   Bloggers have revealed that this episode ends with the interceptor deciding what it wants too late in the game, and falling helplessly back into the ocean as the objects of its affection go on to obliterate Boston and Philadelphia. Later, in an almost painfully embarrassing sequence, contestant D-9 can’t even get off the launch pad to meet a missile over the Bering Straight.  “I don’t know what happened,” the tearful contestant said afterwards.  “This is so humiliating.  This has never happened to me before, I swear.  I saw an ad for a new medicine while I was watching basketball the other day.  Maybe that would help.” The network has been trying to dispel persistent rumors that none of the contestants ever actually meet a warhead on the show, and that the romantic finale promised by producers Aaron Spelling and Jerry Bruckheimer was fabricated using a clever Powerpoint graphic.  Industry insiders predict that the controversy will help boost the show’s ratings.And while he may not have found love, at least one of the contestants on the show has found a little fame.  Viewer response to X-21 was so positive that the spunky little interceptor has been cast in next season’s Surreal World, where he will share a house with Ralph Macchio, Anna Nicole Smith, Vanilla Ice, and Trent Lott.