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kml.com introduces a new column this week--"40 foot buffet"--from contributors terry wellman and bill laviolette. expect an all-you-can-eat laugh riot, semi-regularly... February 11, 2005 From: Michael T. Burns – Executive Director of Transportation To: All MUNI Riders Dear MUNI Passengers: Recently
the American Public Transportation Association named our sister
agency, Bay Area Rapid Transit District (BART), the “#1 Public
Transportation System in America,” as BART riders reported a 90%
satisfaction rate during 2004, so kudos to BART on their success.
However, for the dedicated staff at MUNI this comes as a particularly
harsh defeat, especially when you factor in BART’s 17-year winning
streak at the annual inter-agency softball game. While are spirits are deflated, we have not given up! We have spent much of your fare money traveling across the United States and the Seven Seas to find the best practices from other public transportation agencies so that we can make your trip on MUNI the best commuting experience . . . EVER. After hours and hours of exhaustive study and late-night planning sessions with transportation experts, we are pleased to announce the following changes. You can expect to see these improvements phased in over the next 12 – 18 months. 1. Evening rush hours at the Embarcadero, Montgomery, Powel and Civic Center stations will include assistance from British queuing experts. Long known for their excellent queuing skill, these pith helmet topped, khaki wearing gentlemen will instill a sense of order into the chaos that now reigns during rush hour. The Mill Valley bus riders and BART passengers have made great strides in proper queuing and I am confident that MUNI riders can do even better! 2. For those with a frotteurism fetish the back car of every other train and the very back of each bus during peak travel times will be reserved for you. Rub awa y! 3. Every Monday from 4:00 to 6:00 all outbound trains and buses will feature karaoke. The third Monday of each month is reserved for drag queens, so all you Chers, Dollys, Lizas and Eltons, get on board! 4. All advertisements will be replaced by soothing photos of puppies, kittens or unicorns frolicking in precarious, yet cute, situations. Riders are encouraged to send in photos of their pets to: cuddlypuppy@sfmuni.com. 5. The jarring “door open” alarm will be replaced by the soothing voice of singing sensation Lou Rawls, who will not only warn you about the dangers of bodily harm and the wrath of fellow commuters, but will also periodically provide riders with timely grooming and relationship advice. 6. Although geographical conditions make elimination of the violent lurching associated with starting and stopping of the trains and busses, especially in the hillier areas of the city, impossible, passengers will now be provided with their choice of restraining devices upon boarding. Ropes, twine, string and bungee cords are now available in each bus and train so that you can firmly tie your self to poles, seats or heavier passengers. Personal restraining devices may also be attached to the numerous carabiners located throughout the bus or train. 7. Although rare, in the event you bus or train becomes temporarily airborne or waterborne, older Asian riders will be provided with additional pink plastic bags to distribute as air or water flotation devices. 8. Tasers will be located in each bus and train to use on unruly or excessively loud kids and cell-phone users. Please use with discretion and they are not under any circumstances allowed to be used as supplemental power supplies for your iPod. 9. Celebrity voices will be used to announce each stop and remind you to check for all of your personal belongings. Local celebrities currently recording messages include Barry Bonds, Dave Eggers, the 12 Galaxies Guy, the voice of Herb Caen as channeled by John Edwards, Chris Isaac and Robin Williams. In addition to these changes, MUNI has teamed up several corporate sponsors to create “themed” routes. Look for them over the next several months. And if you have a theme you would like for us to explore, please send an email to our consultants at 40footbuffet@yahoo.com. • 30X(S) “Former Mrs. Gavin Newsom (Singles) route: Formerly the “Marina Express,” this route will be underwritten by Match.com, and be reserved for upwardly mobile, attractive 20- and 30-somethings. A free one-month trial to Match.com will be given to every 100 TH passenger during the first month. • The 7 “Wake-n-Bake”: Formerly the 7 Haight, riders on this route will be provided with munchies from Frito-Lay, Red Bull and Mother’s Cookies during peak hours. • The Steve Young "Bells of St. Mary’s”: Sponsored by the St. Mary’s Medical Center and the San Francisco 49ers football team, this new route will be a surprise every time for those who come aboard. Prior to starting their shift, the driver will be sacked from the blind side by the “Performance Enhanced” former Denver Bronco/Oakland Raider Bill Romonowski. The resulting level two concussion will result in the driver aimlessly navigating our city streets until they decide to call it a day. We hope that with the implementation of these changes we can achieve 100% satisfaction and finally beat BART at something. Happy ridding and remember to always ask for a transfer! Sincerely, Michael T. Burns Executive Director of the MTA P.S. If there are any good softball players out there who need a job, please send me your résumé, the position that you play and your batting average –Thanks!
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