Rumsfeld Encouraged by Horrific Killings in Iraq

Exclusive Interview: Super-Secret Source Reveals Inner Workings of Government 

by Pierre Vladimir Stroud, Constant Comment Investigative Reporter

Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld, in a rare public appearance during this second term in office, said earlier this week that he was very encouraged by the massive car bombings and frequent insurgent attacks that have killed hundreds of Iraqis in the last several months.  

His controversial ideas are now being referred to among the Washington press corps as “The New Math.”

The quotes that caused this firestorm were recorded by a freelance journalist who chased Rumsfeld down in the Pentagon parking lot as he walked to his car in a wig and fake beard.  When the journalist asked Rumsfeld how he thought things were going in Iraq, Rumsfeld replied, “No opinion.  I'm not saying...Oh, the hell with it.  I think this has been a great couple of months.  Things couldn’t be going better.  As the president says, freeing people is very hard work.  So the fewer people we have to free, the sooner they'll be freed and the freer they will be.  So all these people getting killed is actually a good thing.  Because now it will be easier to free the ones that have survived, and their shares of Iraqi freedom will be larger, because they'll have to share their freedom with fewer people."

These comments have left the pundits somewhat speechless, as they have scrambled to understand the policy implications of Rumsfeld’s comments.Constant Comment was recently contacted by a highly placed official in the national security community, who said that he could help fill in the gaps.  The individual, fearing for his safety, has asked that Constant Comment refer to him only as "Inside Deep Throat." The following interview was conducted in a Red Lobster in Arlington, Virginia.CC: Were you surprised by Secretary Rumsfeld's comments?Inside:  I don't know what Rummy is doing opening his mouth at all.  He is not supposed to talk anymore.CC:  What do you mean?Inside:  Rummy doesn't talk.  That's the deal.  They cut out his tongue, figuratively.CC:  Who did?Inside:  Don't take this the wrong way, but is there any way that I could just talk to your readers  directly?  Because I don't really have time to hold your hand as we stroll through Power Politics 101.CC:  OK.  OK.  Uhh, the White House?Inside:  Which is?CC:  The presi...No, wait, Karl Rove.Inside:  Good guess, but they do actually let George decide some things.  And The Boy King was pissed about all the flack he took in the election over Iraq.  So he and his new best buddy, Condi, decided that Rum wasn't gonna be in charge of dick anymore.  And Rove was happy with that, too.CC:  Why?Inside:  Why?  Because Karl had to stay up for 72 straight hours rigging voting machines before the  election, and he blamed Rum and "The Quagmire" for that.CC: So what is Rumsfeld supposed to be doing?Inside:  He's supposed to spend the next four years in his cubicle, playing computer Solitaire and emailing people pictures of his grandkids.  He's not supposed to leave the office, do anything, or talk to anyone. He's not supposed to go to the water cooler without a hall pass.CC:  Why the gag order?Inside:  Basic organizational behavior and management. In order for the national defense apparatus to function, there can only be one delusional Alpha Nut Job.  Back in the day, Rum was the grumpy old man in charge.  His delusions ran the show.  Being greeted with roses in Baghdad and all that.  But after the neo-cons finally got rid of Powell and gave Condi the job at State, she assumed the Alpha position.  All the other Nut Jobs are now supposed to shut the hell up and take their lead from her.CC:  And what happens if they don't?Inside:  I wouldn't be surprised to see Condi walk down to the 'Five Star,' use her petite manicured fingers to rip the dried-up old balls from Rummy’s crotch, and feed them to her Chihuahua.CC:  What do you mean by that?Inside:  Honestly, is there anyone else I can talk to?  Do you not speak English?  I mean that Rummy's testicles could become "Little Nikita's" breakfast if he doesn't keep his mouth shut... [end of interview]At this point Inside Deep Throat insinuated that he could find a smarter reporter to whom he would reveal his state secrets, and stormed out of the Red Lobster, leaving Constant Comment to foot the bill.  No wonder the mainstream press doesn't do investigative journalism anymore.