Some KML sketches never made it to the stage. The reasons may be obvious, unclear or deep dark secrets. Judge for yourself....

The Accidental Perm
NOT a part of KML Loves A Parade (July 1999)

People at a party. they have drinks. summer is showing off her new jacket. everyone is giving oohs and aahhs.

summer: five dollars at thrift world.

cecil: (amazed) and it’s the jacket you just donated?

terry: yeah.

cecil: that’s funny.  too bad you didn’t catch her before she donated it.

cole: (butting in) well, actually...

summer: HEY!! Is that austin coming up the walk?

cecil: (looking out) oh god. everyone. (gathering them) I have to tell something. earlier today, austin accidentally got a perm.  and he’s a little sensitive about it. so please don’t mention it.

austin enters, and everyone is attentive to him

cole: hey austin buddy.

summer: thirsty? are you thirsty, austin?

cecil: Have a seat...

summer: vodka tonic?

cole: So austin...terry was telling me about your...

terry (butting in): ...your new suv.

cecil: (covering) what is it a wrangler?

summer: (giving drink) here you go (whispering) you’re hair looks great.
austin gets upset and leaves room

terry: summer!!

summer: what?  what? I didn’t say anything.

terry: he has onion thin skin.

cecil: what did I tell you?. 

summer: what.  it looks great.  it does.  I think it’s a great direction for him.

cole: looks great ?? its ridiculous.  ridiculous. it looks ridiculous.

austin enters hears the ridiculous.everyone turns and sees him there. he leaves abrutly.

cecil: cole that was uncalled for.

cole: well it is.  i’m sorry. it is ridiculous.

terry: it’s not his fault.

cole: oh come on.  who among us accidentally gets a permanent?  these things take time.

summer: what do you know about it cole?
(austin reenters)

austin: everyone.  I just want to say that it’s obvious that you’ve noticed my hairstyle. so I gues I should explain.  earlier today I went to get my hair set and I blacked out and accidentally received a permanent.  i’m a little self conscious.

summer: of course you are.  who wouldn’t be?

they sit him down to console him.  everyone gathers around. there is a long beat.
cole starts laughing.  everyone starts laughing.

cecil: austin, its not that bad. remember when terry burned off her eyebrows lighting
austin exits

cecil: .....that cigarette off the stove. austin!

terry (who is wearing huge fake eyebrows): i’m sure we all remember that vividly, cecil. jesus.

cecil
no.  i’m saying. it’s not as bad as that.  austin!!!

terry: (getting upset) how bad are you saying that was, cecil?

summer: well look what you have now terry...(motioning)
(terry leaves)

cecil: terry.  it’s in the past.

summer: any  little thing. 

cecil: you couldn’t just let it go one time could you, cole?

cole: Well, I just don’t think people accidently get their hair curled.

cecil: just like you couldn’t accidently get your eyes crossed.
(flashback)

terry: my friend got his eyes crossed.

doctor: what was he doing at the time of the incident.
(pause.  terry and cole look at each other)

terry: he was crossing his eyes.

(flashflashback)
cole is wearing coke bottle glasses

cole: (being wacky) hey guys look at this!!

cecil: take those off cole.  it’s really dangerous.

cole: (mimicing) it’s really dangerous, cole.  it’s really dangerous, cole.  hold up.

back to the present

beat. cole tries to exit.

cecil: (stopping him) you cannot still be upset about that. now (he sees terry and austin returning) ...alright here they come. (he pulls terry over to the group)
(Austin stands with his back to the group)

(everyone almost mouths these words with a lot of physical gestures)
cecil : you have to go apologize to him.

cole: what did I do? it was summer.

summer: no. no. terry you go.

terry: I’m too upset.

cole: cecil. you should go.

cecil: no. I always take care of these things.
(they struggle. and unbeknownst to them austin has made his way over to the group. just as he gets there, cole forces cecil’s hand spilling his drink on austin’s hair)

austin (leaving): my hair!! You ruined my hair!!

cole : I knew it.  you wanted that perm all along.

austin stops  on his way out. turns.  punches cole in face.

austin: fuck you cole.

summer: good for you, austin.

cole: my visions fuzzy.  oh wait.  hold up.

looks up.  his eyes are crossed again.

summer: leave him.  he deserved it.

cole: (lashing out) oh like you deserved to take terry’s coat out of the donation bin at thrift world?

terry: you stole that?
summer over reacts tearing the eyebrows off terry. terry screams.

summer: I can’t stand them.  I just can’t stand them. 

cecil: summer!

summer: come on, cecil. you’ve wanted to do that all along!!!

terry: (holding her eyebrows) you people!
leaves the room and reenters

terry: If I had any idea I was going to get my eyebrows torn off this evening, I would have never come!

End