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# 9: Never Put Off Procrastination
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By Maura Madden
Ah, the cruel beauty of a fellowship application. How seductive, and yet, what an enormous pain in the ass. I have an application for a fellowship due in two days, but I cannot manage to make a move towards completing the thing.
As if to point out just how heartily Fate is laughing at me, these are some of the fortunes I came across when, in the early throes of the procrastination procedure, I wistfully examined a little box of trinkets and souvenirs of love.
"Diligence is the mother of good fortune." Throw that one out.
"Your success in life must be earned with earnest efforts." What is that supposed to mean?
Wait, I know I had a bunch of fortunes stashed somewhere else. Where did I put them, in my trunk, with all my old diaries? Oh, old diaries. I love old diaries. When was the last time I read my old diaries? God, it's been a while. I bet they might have some really helpful insights into my creative life and why I should be awarded this grant. I think I better move all the shit off my trunk and open it and read my old diaries.
Well, there wasn't anything in the old diaries about my creative life, but it was great to get nostalgic about problems I've had with old boyfriends and people I've had crushes on and the power of a positive hook-up. I didn't find any pertinent fortunes, except one that said, "A happy event will soon take place in your home," which seemed out of date. Then I remembered I had some cards from the fortuneteller arcade lady at the Musee Mecanique in San Francisco. Two of them had the same exact fortune, which reads:
"You have character and determination." Really? According to whom?
"Your powers of concentration are good." Not right now, they're not.
"You will prosper in life." Yeah, I can see that the temping thing is really going to pay off someday soon.
"Keep your mind on the high things." Like what, the artwork that is up on my wall above my computer? Yeah, I should probably change that. Where is that drawing my friend made for me? It's in the other room, on the piano. I'll go find it. Oh, thereีs fresh popcorn out here. I need to eat some of that. That reminds me, I haven't eaten dinner. I need to do that. What should I have? Something that won't take too long, because I'm starving and I need to pick up my laundry. My laundry! Damn, I knew I was going to forget about that. I better go get it. But first I need to clear some space on my bed so I can dump it out there...
Of course, this procrastination is just the culmination of months and months of putting off the work required to complete the application. And for that, I blame New York. Yes, New York, I blame you, you with your bars open 'til four in the morning, you with your last minute opera tickets to see Carmen, you with your constant plying with the promise of old friends, and new ones, you with your yellow cabs and amazing comedy shows and decent avant-garde theater, you with your free film screenings and farmer's markets and parks and subway trains and subway entertainers. You have been keeping me from my appointed path. You and my utter hatred of forms and statements of purpose have been obstructing my path to grant finance! But I need to get down to it. I mean, I managed to write the damn play, right? Yeah, I did. So then why do I have to explain why I should get the money? Just read it. If you like it, give me the money. If you don't, give it to a visual artist who specializes in toothpaste reproductions. Look, I'll just write down my address and my phone number and you can call me if you decide to cut me a check and I'll come pick it up. No? That's not how it works? Well fine, I'll fill out your damn form.
Here goes:
Graduate and professional schools attended since graduation, and degrees received:
N/A
Awards received:
N/A
Fellowships previously held:
The Grant By the Foundation of the Temp Gig I Had That Only Lasted A Week But Which Allowed Me To Do a Good Month's Worth of Writing Because They Gave Me Nothing to Do and I Had to Keep Myself from Getting Bored Somehow.
The Mom and Dad Are Really Happy You Moved Back Home Fellowship, which is made possible by donations from Mom and Dad towards my COBRA payments so that I won't get bummed out and move back to San Francisco.
The American Express Blue $5,000 Credit Limit Grant
The "A Few Nights of Babysitting Is Almost Better Than a Regular Temp Gig" Scholarship
A brief statement about your previous work:
I have written a lot of skits. Once, I wrote a screenplay.
A brief statement about your work in progress:
I think it's pretty good. You should read it.
A statement discussing your projected plan for the fellowship year:
Basically, I'm going to sleep late. Then I'll get up, make coffee, and write down my dreams for half an hour. Then I might shower, but not every day. After that, I'll probably go for a walk and buy groceries. When I get home, I will bake cookies and then write a few pages of my play. If I get tired, I will take a nap. Then I will make some phone calls. If there is a good early bird dinner special at a restaurant in my neighborhood, I will probably check that out. Maybe I will go to see a movie. Then I will get drinks with friends, come home and erase half of what I wrote that day, and go to sleep. I will repeat this for all 365 days of my fellowship, except for the 30 days I spend on the beach in Greece. Then I will not do any writing.
Given the opportunity to procrastinate, I know that I will be able to mature as a writer and develop as an artist. Thank you for your time. I'm happy to give you more of it, if it means not having to fill out the part of the form entitled, "List of publications, exhibitions, readings, performances of compositions or plays, etc."
Seriously, is there anything you want to talk about?
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