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Careful Googling Reveals Dark Side to the Newest Pontiff
By Pierre Stroud, Constant Comment Senior Research Fellow Constant Comment was going to write a story this week, but our coffee machine is still broken and this has irrevocably eradicated motivation from our offices. The machine's been nonfunctional for over a month, and we've only managed to get out of bed three times during that period (once if we're not counting potty breaks).
So we've decided that, rather than writing (which requires coherent
thought) we'd just Google the recently installed Pope Benedict XVI (not
to be confused with Super Bowl XVI, which inaugurated Joe Montana as
the Holy Father of Football.) The results were shocking. Or at least we think they were. We had to translate most of the articles from German publications, and between not speaking any German and not having had any coffee, we are pretty confident that the translations are totally wrong. In any event, we have culled the following facts and quotations from the pages of the finest Tuetonic publications with a web presence: Traditionalist to the core, Cardinal Ratzinger predicts that over 59% of world's population will soon be blind due to incessant "self-fornication." Ratzinger says, "Satan once tricked a young boy into thinking I had engaged in inappropriate touching with him -- Oh, that Satan sure is devious!!" Ratzinger denounces condoms as Jewish plot to "imprison Gentile sperm
within plastic walls, with the devious hope of out-populating us by the
year 3042." Ratzinger says, "A very attractive young boy once tricked me into cavorting with Satan -- Oh, those comely young boys will be my damnation!!" Cardinal Joe says, "If they ever elect me Pontiff, I'm going to paint a lion-crest on the Pope-Mobile, mount a .50 caliber machine-gun on top, drive into Damascus, and finish the job those slackers abandoned in the 1100's." Cardinal Ratzinger ways, "If one more motherfucker confuses me with John Ratzenberger [who played the annoying mailman Cliff Claven on NBC's 'Cheers' -- e.d.] I swear to God, I'll piss Holy Water out of my goddamn eyeballs." Ratzinger says, "It's not commonly realized that 47% of priests would rather be mailmen." Card Joe says, "Nazi, Schmazzi!! I was a young kid high on life, having some kicks. What's a young person of conviction supposed to do, resist??? Stop busting my balls with this Nazi bullshit already!! Jesus dies for my sins, and I STILL get all this grief??" |
