DeLay Reveals Satanic Plot by Jimmy Carter to Destroy American Government

by Pierre Vladimir Stroud, Constant Comment Reporter

In a fiery press conference today, Tom DeLay charged that the ethics investigations swirling around him are actually part of a far-reaching plot by former president Jimmy Carter to destroy the American government.  Below are excerpts from DeLay's prepared statement.

"I have been hounded by Democrats and their meaningless accusations of 'unethical' behavior.  Well, my friends, it is time to pull back the veil, and reveal what this is really all about.

 'Ethics' is a Satanic concept developed by Jimmy Carter when he tragically seized control of our government in the late 1970s.  We are still fighting this scourge today.  The concept threatens to destroy our very system of government. Carter has devised a fiendish framework of socialistic rules to control our every action, in an attempt to destroy the Free Market, and to bring us under the dominion of the Dark Underlord. 

Let's take a common sense example.  If someone gives me a million dollars, as a campaign contribution or whatever, they expect something in return.  And that is only fair.  The polite and hospitable thing would be for me to pass some legislation that benefits them.  But 'Ethics' gets in the way of me being able to repay them.  'Ethics' calls this basic, common decency a 'Quid Pro Quo,' which is Satan talk if I've ever heard it.  The bottom line is that this person has just been ripped off by 'Ethics.'  'Ethics' is a thief, and it owes that guy a million dollars. 

Carter's clever schemes and his fancy devil-talk are destroying the Free Market, God's greatest gift to mankind.  I mean, if you can't  buy people, what's the point of money?  What's the point of civilization?  We might as well go back to swinging in the trees."

DeLay's statement leveled many other charges at the former president.  He accused Carter of treason, saying  his "inappropriate" concern over civilian deaths in Iraq was undermining the war effort in Iraq.

"Mr. Carter, if that is even the real name of this minion of Beelzebub, wrings his hands about 'civilian deaths.'  Says that we are killing people rather than freeing them.  As if you can't free people by killing them.  I mean, has he ever heard of a place called Heaven?  You're super-free once you pass through those pearly gates."

When asked if Iraqi civilians killed during American military actions would be admitted to heaven, DeLay said, "Well, obviously not the Muslim ones.  But that's their own fault, isn't it?   They've had more than enough time to accept Jesus as their personal Lord and Savior."

Constant Comment later phoned former president Carter at his Georgia home, and his reaction was uncharacteristically terse.  "I'm supposed to respond to this b__ s__?  Tell the little weasel that when he ends up in the slammer, I'll be the one making sure he is treated ethically.  And if he doesn't like that, he can go suck on a peanut."