Truth be Told

Starring Syndicated and Nine-time Award Winning Broadcast Journalist Brock Throckmorton  

Guest: Hank Pascal, Deputy Communications Director of V.E.G.G.I.E. Brock Throckmorton: Good evening and welcome to another edition of "Truth Be Told." I'm your host, Brock Throckmorton, and tonight we have an interesting guest in our studio. Now I’m sure you’ve already noticed that Hank Pascal is in fact a stalk of celery but he is also the Deputy Communications Director of the Vegetables of the Earth Guerilla Group Instilling Equality, or V.E.G.G.I.E., a radical, should I call you radicals, organization that is fighting to protect the image of produce around the world.

Hank: Good evening, Brock. I am glad to be here. We at V.E.G.G.I.E greatly appreciate this chance to have our message heard in a peaceful non-violent format. And should you call us "radicals"? Only if you consider Rosa Parks a radical.

BT: Fair enough. So tell us a little about your group and why you feel now is the time for revolution. This nomenclature didn’t just happen overnight.

Hank: Well, Brock. We are fed up. We feel the good character of vegetables everywhere - from cute broccoli florets, to quotidian English peas, to the exotic Japanese bouncing onions - are being knocked down, dragged through the mud, stepped on, kicked and spat on with all of this talk of "persistent vegetative states". How would you like it if I said someone who showed no evidence of awareness of self or environment; no evidence of sustained, reproducible, purposeful, or voluntary behavioral response to visual, auditory, tactile or noxious stimuli; and had bowel and bladder incontinence was in a "persistent Brock Throckmorton state"?

BT: Well it wouldn’t have the same ring to it as “Vegetable” does, that’s for certain! (LAUGHS NERVOUSLY) It’s too long. But now if you said this person was in a “Brockly” state, well that’s a whole other story. Then you’d guys be griping about misrepresentation of Broccoli.

Hank: I am not going there. Broccoli are good people. We Vegetables are putting aside our differences to stand united in the V.E.G.G.I.E cause. We have come a long way. We are no longer quibbling over who goes better with peanut butter or who has the most nutritional value. Also, Broccoli is still quite bruised over Broccoli-gate with George H.W. Bush.

BT: Well I’m not here to play partisan politics with you, let’s get back to the matter at hand. If “vegetable” is not the right word, then what is? Whatever you, we, us, decide, if ever I might add, to rename this condition to, someone out there is going to be offended. Why don’t we just leave it the way it is and be done with it, like we have for the Cleveland Indians mascot, the Washington Redskins team name, the tomahawk chop, Aunt Jemima, Uncle Ben and the Frito Bandito? It keeps you in the press and isn’t bad pub better than no pub at all?

Hank: As far as changing the name, why not go for something nonsensical that has connection with anything else or something that is fun say. Like , Flipopamop. Or flouflangtambo. As far as the publicity, it is good to be here with you today. Say, your producer is pretty cute. Is she single?

BT: Why should we refer to something serious with, as you say, “Something fun”? Think of the confusion that would cause with things that are actually fun. Let’s be honest here for a moment. There’s no denying your nutritional value and health benefits, but no one really equates vegetables and fun. Well at least not on this side of the U.S./Mexican border. And as far as my producer goes, yes, she is quite the hot tomato. Oh, sorry. Was that offensive to your type?

Hank: I am not sure what Vegetables you have been hanging out with, but let me tell you, we know how to throw it down. I've seen Arugula and Fennel get thrown out of CBGB back in the day for being too rowdy. Now, you know you have to be doing something right if you are wild for that scene. Sure, Iceberg Lettuce gives all of us a bad name, but I won't go there either, for the sake of Vegetable solidarity. But seriously, look at me. I am the complete opposite of "incapable of consciously experiencing or appreciating life" or "the absence of evidence of a functioning mind.” I am fun and a fun-loving stalk of celery and, quite frankly, I think I am pretty sharp mentally. This is what we are up against. This is the crap we have put up with. Even you, Brock, seem to have bought into the stereotype propagated by the media. I expected that from Rush Limbaugh or maybe from Bill O'Reilly, but not you.

BT: Is Fennel even a vegetable? I thought it was an herb. Regardless, just because you know how to quote-unquote, kick it, doesn’t mean the reference is out of line. I mean let’s stop the name calling here for a moment and look at the facts. When I go to the grocery store or to the farmer’s market, I don’t see this fun and fun-loving attitude you just described. I see a bunch, and I use that term in the literal sense, of leafy greens and the like just lying there waiting for some housewife to briefly feel them up, place them in a plastic bag and cart them home. Am I right or am I right? In essence are you and your brethren just a bunch of auto-asphyxia pervs waiting for desperate housewives.

Hank: They don't have to be desperate, necessarily, just willing to try new things. The modern palette has evolved. People - men and women alike - demand excitement, taste, variety, experimentation. Only vegetables, can provide that - both with and without the plastic bags. Mad cow disease, lactose intolerance, diabetes, obesity - vegetables are your only safe -

but fun - bet these days.

BT: So in essence, you find this association with immobile, unresponsive animals bad for business. V.E.G.G.I.E. represents the new, 21^st Century vegetable – one that has no regard for established morals and social morays, but is more interested in promoting the “If it feels good, do it” mantra of the hippies – which I might add are primarily devout vegetarians and possibly your most staunch allies. Doesn’t your new credo conflict with your traditional “eat 5 a day and be healthy” message you’ve clung to all these years? Sounds to me like this new try-it-all attitude would ultimately result in an incapacitated state, and as such you should be embracing this connection instead of shunning it. It sounds to me like you’re being hypocritical. 

Hank: Brock, Brock, Brock. You are getting it all wrong. We are not advocating wild vegetable bacchanalias - but if any one is interested, my phone number: 555-8123…

BT: This is a family show

Hank: …and “Incapacitated" after too many vegetables? Its never happened. Have five, six, ten vegetables day and you'll change your life and clean your colon out at the same time. All we're saying is this "vegetative state" business gives us a bad name that we do not deserve.

BT: Well let’s see what America has to say about that. The number is 1-800-676-2100. Our first caller tonight is Rod from Bakersfield, California. Hello Rod, welcome to Truth Be Told. Do you have a question for Hank.

Rod: Yes, I’d (INAUDIBLE FEEDBACK)…

BT: Can you turn your radio all the way down.

Rod: Sorry about that. My question is for Hank.

Hank: Hi, Rod. Go ahead.

Rod: Hank, do you have the same empathy for fruits and their unintentional connection to the gay community? I mean how do you think those guys feel? Well I’m sure the bananas and coconuts don’t care too much about it but I’ll bet the apples and oranges could live without the hassle.

BT: How about that, Hank. What about the fruits? Shouldn’t their voice be heard as well?

Hank: I don't know how real fruit feel about that. It’s their fight not ours. But, personally, I would rather be a "fruit" than in a "vegetative state". Also, some of my best vegetable friends are "fruits.” Daikon radishes - total flamers. Eggplants - in the closet. Asparagus - metrosexual. Tomatoes - they are bi-sexual, sometimes they're a fruit and sometimes they are a vegetable. However fruits feel about this slang nomenclature, I bet they are just glad that "fruit" isn't used to describe Tom DeLay or Bill Frist.

BT: Well I’m glad we got to the bottom of that. Alphanso from Brownsville, Texas, you’re on with Brock and Hank.

Alphanso: EETS TIME TO TOP DE MADNESS AND RESTORE DE PRIDE AND POWER TO DE WEGETABLE WORLD! VIVA LA REVOLUCION Y POWER TO DE PEAS!

BT: Right. Must be one of yours, eh?

Hank: Alphonso Chipolte de la Planta, is that you?

Alphanso: Jes, mi amigo. It ees eye.

Hank: Alphonso is a jalapeno and the leader of our Garden-variety Militia, which I might add is a non-violent security detail.

Alphanso: Jes, dat ees true. We don’t condone wiolence but weel fight back ween provoked. We are proud weggies.

BT: Wedgies?

Alphanso: Jes, weggies.

BT: Like when you get your undies stuck in your crack?

Hank: Weggies. Veggies. Vegetables. You know what we’re talking about. Now you’re making a mockery of us, Brock. I think this interview is over.

HANK HAS UNHOOKED HIS MICROPHONE AND LEFT THE SET.

Alphanso: DEE REVOLUSION WEEL NO BEE TELEWISED!

BT: Fantastic. Well it looks like we couldn’t resolve what is turning into quite the heated topic. I’d like to thank my guest, Hank Pascal for enlightening us about his plight to reclaim the word “vegetable” and I’m sure he’ll keep us updated on his progress. Join me again tomorrow night as our guest will be, via satellite, the 461-room Hilton Paris, who will give us a first hand account about how its image has been tarnished by the activities of the similarly-named heiress Paris Hilton. Until then, stay free and clear, America. I bid you goodnight.