Couch: Hi Brock, just call me "Chesterfield" or "Chester" -- I'm from Saskatoon.

Brock: Okay, Chester. I understand you have a lot to get off your chest - or should I say cushions? Let's get right to it, shall we?

Couch: Well Brock, for the past 20 years or so, I've cuddled some of the finest tushes Hollywood has to offer -- John Travolta, Mariah Carey, Julia Roberts, Dr. Phil... the list goes on an on. And during that time, I've also provided comfort and reassurance to people who've seen their children fall down a well, scorned spouses who have had their big toes removed by evil husbands, you know - human tragedy and what not.

Brock: Mmmm, hmmm...

Chester: But several weeks ago, [slowly weeping] I suffered [sniff] the greatest [more sobbing] humiliation in both my personal and professional life [deep breath] when I was repeatedly humped by America's boy next door, Tom Cruise. I'm sure you and all your viewers have seen the footage by now.

Brock: Here's a tissue.

Chester: Thank you. [Uses tissue to blow nose.]

Brock: Yes, I saw it. We've all seen it. But let’s go to the tape…

According to USA TODAY, and I’m reading directly from the article here, “The boy is GONE," Winfrey joked on her talk show Monday, shortly after Cruise, 42, jumped up and down on her couch like a giddy schoolboy. "What has happened to you?" she asked

I think that I can speak for all decency-loving Americans that it was a horrible, horrible thing to happen to you - or anyone - on national television. Or anywhere. Movies stars cannot go around humping, molesting and generally mistreating furniture on a whim. Chester, I feel your pain. How are you handling this?

Chester: It's tough, ya know. I don't think Oprah really understands what happened that afternoon. She did show signs of concern when it first happened, but by the end of the show, I felt like she was encouraging him to do it. But I'm a trooper, Brock. I'm still working everyday. Dealing with this in my own way. There's not as many "furniture psychiatrists" out there as you'd think. But despite the meds and the alcohol, everyday at 4 p.m. central time when I hear the shrills and cries of 3,000 crazed, lonely Midwestern housewives, no matter who the guest is, all I see is that scruffy little dwarf coming at me like a madman. I hope Dr. Phil will be on the show soon so I can discuss it with him in person.

Brock: Have you tried to contact Tom about this?

Chester: Yes, I did try to contact Tom through the Church of Scientology Center in Hollywood but all they would do is invite me down there for a personality analysis and some hot cocoa. Do you know what hot cocoa would do to my skin? I’m not some cheap-assed slipcover junk couch plus I’m not really into being probed by anyone.

Brock: Let’s role play for a moment. Pretend I am Tom Cruise. What would you say to me?

Chester: I would attempt to look him in the eye, you know those giant Chiclet-like teeth of his give off quite a glow, and say, “You heartless bastard. Didn’t your parents teach you better? Don’t you know that how you treated me is not how you treat a piece of furniture? What if I dry humped you after announcing my love for the Concordian 920 sofa bed? I have feelings, too [begins to sob uncontrollably].

  Brock: Here is another tissue.

Chester: [Takes tissue and blows nose. The single tissue is inadequate given that couches do have rather big noses.]

Brock: You better take the whole box. [Hands box to Chester.]

Chester: Thank you.

Brock: You're welcome. Now, Chester, America and I feel your pain. But I would be remiss if I just let this turn into a Barbara Wa-Wa, softball sob-fest. America looks for this show for the TRUTH. Some skeptics out there may be saying the you coming on this show is just your way of getting some free publicity on the coattails of Tom Cruise. "War of the Worlds" just opened. I would have to say your timing may look a little suspicious to some. How do you respond to that?

Chester: Well, some might say that I’m here spilling my guts because I can be seen in this weeks episode of “Reba” – that’s on Friday night on the WB, check your local listings; or because I have a calendar coming out next year featuring me and some of Hef’s finest bunnies sprawled across my luxurious cushions, on newsstands in November and makes a great holiday gift for the one you love, but that would be doing me and the other pieces of furniture who have been violated a disservice. I was speaking just the other day to a bed who used to work at the MGM Grand in Las Vegas. At one time this bed what at the top of his game. A king-sized Sterns & Foster EuroPillowTop Tylerton model – the best money could buy. And this guy had the unfortunate luck of hosting the consummation of Rosanne Barr/Tom Arnold nuptials. Today he’s living outside of a methadone clinic in East St. Louis trying to make ends meet as a crash pad in a crank house. He told me to keep fighting the good fight and that I’m speaking for thousands of other pieces that have been silenced. If one piece of living, dining, bedroom or casual living area furniture can be saved as a result of my appearance on your show, then the whole Cruise experience was worth it. 

Brock: That is about all the time we have for this half of the show. I want to thank Chester for being here and sharing his story. And we'll have part 2 of this special edition for you next week...