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Movie review by Tonya Glanz--special to kml.com
War of the Turds
It’s summertime folks, and we all know what that means: the summer blockbuster apocalyptic high budget action film is here. For the lazy days of summer ’05, we have War of the Worlds, starring the nation’s angriest short man, Tom Cruise. I didn’t like this movie, but I didn’t plan on liking it. I am sick of seeing the same movies over and over again, just chewed up and shat out in a different shape. But to get specific, here are the bads and the goods of War of the Worlds...
THE BADS
1. What was up with Tim Robbins? I am a huge fan of this incredibly
talented film actor, but seriously, did he need to be there? His creepy
crazy guy in the basement served to be comedic and melodramatic. Anyone
whose entrance involves a hanging lantern lighting their face in a dark
and scary basement is laugh attacks for me. 2. They never stopped to eat! And Tom made a point of grabbing food for the road. And then that was the end of it. We don’t know how long the war rages on because there is no perspective in the film, but let’s say they have been walking/hiding for three days now. By the first night I would be losing it! I was hoping for some trippy hunger induced hallucinations
that caused the family pack to eat one another. If I was in Tom’s caravan, it would go something like this:
Tom: We have to keep on moving, I see an abandoned house further up that road.Tonya: Okay, but seriously, I haven’t eaten since ten, and there is literally nobody manning that Taco Bell over there. We have to take advantage of this. Look at the bright side.
Tommy: Aliens destroy our planet, free food while it lasts.
Tom: Tonya, you don’t know what hunger is. You don’t understand psychology. You aren’t even hungry but your fear is telling you that you are...
Tonya: I am going to fucking kill you...
3. The ending sucks. It’s like somebody leads you into a really beautiful garden to show you a rare flower, only to piss in your mouth and tell you to deal with it.
THE GOODS
1. A high budget action movie is a high budget action movie. Enjoy the ride.
2. The Wizard of Oz moment when Tommy leaves the basement of gloom to discover the world is covered in human blood and scary vines.
3. The part when it’s raining human skin.
4. You cannot watch a disaster film and not feel compassion for the people. But whom I felt the worst for was little Dakota Fanning, who had to hang with Tom for the duration of the film. She was locked in a basement with short man Cruise and Crazy Man Murphy Tim Robbins! But she handled it most gracefully. If I were locked in a basement with those two, it would go something like this:
Tonya: Okay, Crazy Man said that he has a bunch of food. I say, now just hear me out, I say we eat as much as possible before those little bastards come down here, which will probably happen in the next fifteen minutes because that is how action films work, right guys?
Tom: Tonya, you don’t even know what you are saying. You don’t understand the history of psychology.
Tonya: Oh, Passion of the Christ!!! Hey, Crazy man, do you still have that rifle hanging around? I think we have some dead weight.
Tim Robbins: They coming, they coming, we gonna get em!
Tonya: On second thought... give me your rifle. And those car keys. I see an abandoned Burger King across the street...
5. There were some really great anime-esque shots of Tom’s eyes, which really conveyed the reality of fear.
In conclusion, it’s a summer disaster movie that cost about 5 Billion dollars to make. It’s fun, but not revolutionary. Here’s my personal challenge to the director:
Stevie, you are a great director. Maybe the greatest of our time! But seriously, we know you have the epic historical action movies down. What are you doing for the crappy movies? There are so many being made, let’s start from the bottom up! If you are such a great director, I give you this challenge: Direct The Pink Panther. Something that is a pebble of dung and turn it into a bon bon. Shake it up.
Final Grade: C |
