Brock: Welcome back, America. On the second half of our show we will take a closer look at this new problem - Celebrity Furniture Humping. Our Truth Be Told investigative team has uncovered frightening material. The incident with Tom Cruise, they've discovered, is just the tip of the proverbial iceberg. Celebrity Furniture Humping has been going on for a long time but the public has not known about it - until now. Here with me to report on this is Franklin Needlemeyer, “Truth Be Told”'s lead investigative journalist. Welcome Franklin, what can you tell America about this?

Franklin: Thanks, Brock. Once thought to be only the immature antics of people like Johnny Knoxville and Tom Green, we can now report that Furniture Humping is rampant among the Who's Who among Hollywood entertainers, musicians, athletes and writers. One of our reporters went deep undercover as a couch at the famed Hollywood retreat, Chateau Marmont. Sadly, this reporter must remain nameless to protect his identity as he is now in a psychiatric hospital after the trauma he experienced while on this assignment. Since this is a family show, I can’t go in to all of the specifics but I can give your audience a glimpse into the degradation suffered by this reporter/couch – humped repeatedly on separate occasions by Johnny Depp and one of the Olsen Twins; walked on by Jim Carey; molested by Dan Brown, writer of The Di Vinci Code; and solicited for a three-some with Orlando Bloom and a floor lamp. We heard that Kid Rock was checking in to the suite and we knew we had to get him out fast. Quite frankly, we were lucky to get this reporter out alive.Brock: Incredible. How is the reporter doing now?Franklin: He is at least talking now and is no longer afraid of his own bed. We are hopeful he makes a full recovery, but I am afraid his investigative reporting days are over. When he makes it out he may be able to only do traffic and weather in a third-tier city that does not have too much traffic or weather. Brock: We wish him a speedy recovery. What else can you tell us about this horrible trend?Franklin: We had investigators and hidden cameras set up all over the country and we have some shocking footage. Kathy Griffith was caught humping a Lesvick three-drawer wardrobe at the IKEA in Orange County. We have Elton John on tape in a ready to hump a Louis XVI end table he had just bought at an auction at Sotheby’s. When our reporter confronted him about this he said his glass of water had left some condensation on the table and he was trying to clean it up – with his leg.Brock: Is Celebrity Furniture Humping a recent phenomenon?Franklin: Our investigations lead us to believe this has been going on for quite a while – at least to the 1950s. We found a love seat in a thrift store in North Hollywood that had indentions in odd places that bore a remarkable likeness to Robert Mitchum’s mid-section. Brock: [Shakes head in disgust.] This is horrible. And what if the youth of today pick up this habit in their mindless imitation of celebrities in misguided attempts to be “cool”?Franklin: Sadly, Brock, we have already started to see some of furniture humping on university campuses in California, always on the forefront of annoying fads. We have a few photographs of students humping chairs, desks and even televisions. You can see here in thispicture that this student from UC Santa Barbara, a notorious “party school”, is humping a 48-inch television set. What is even more sad is that this humping is taking place directly beneath a sign posted by the University banning this type of behavior. Flagrant disobeying of rules and furniture humping. Brock: Sad, truly sad. The future does not look too bright. Franklin: No it doesn’t, Brock. Actually, I think things will get worse before they get better. With the explosive popularity television shows such as “Designing for the Sexes”, “Extreme Makeover” and “Trading Spaces” that fetishize furniture and decorating, I believe we will soon have suburban housewives in Nebraska humping furniture. I would even go so far as to say that the Pottery Barn and IKEA catalogs may soon replace the likes Playboy andPenthouse as the magazines of choice for “adult entertainment”.Brock: If I follow what you are saying, Franklin, we may soon see dollar bills stuffed between the cushions of a display couch at Crate & Barrel rather than in the G-string of a woman called Misty Rain.Franklin: I believe so. We even uncovered a web site called www.furnitureporn.com, which is run by a Hollywood A-list celebrity who has starred in a movie based on a comic book hero.Brock: To all you parents out there I suggest you install parental blocks on your internet and watch what sites your children surf. That is all the time we have for tonight. Thank you, Franklin, for this look into one of Hollywood’s Dirty Little Secrets. Keep your furniture safe, America. Good night.[Closing music is heard.] Brock: [heard over the show’s closing music] What was the name of that website again? . . . Oh, #$%^*!! Are we still live?