The Las Vegas Index

(compiled after a five day business trip to Las Vegas)

Number of times I heard “What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas” in a business-related context while on a business-related trip to Las Vegas: 7

Numbers of times I thought it was funny: 2

Minimum number of times hearing “What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas” in a business-related context made me want to glue the speaker's tongue to a Roulette wheel : 4

Factor by which I am glad I was not at a meat packing conference in 1985 and had to repeatedly hear “Where’s the beef?”: 10

Height of Clara Peller, the “Where’s the beef?” spokeswoman: 4 feet, 11 inches

Years after being fired by Wendy’s for appearing in a Prego Plus Spaghetti sauce commercial that Clara Peller died: 2

Rank of “flopping the nuts” among Texas Hold ‘Em phrases that I like to use out of context for humorous purposes: 1

Combined jail time in years for the amount of drugs in the Red Shark, the automobile driven by Raul Duke and Dr. Gonzo, in Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas (two bags of grass, seventy-five pellets of mescaline, five sheets of high-powered blotter acid, a salt shaker half-full of cocaine and a whole galaxy of multicolored uppers, downers, screamers, laughers), based on today’s laws for a first time offender: 75

Number of times that my attempts at humor by referencing “my Samoan attorney” fell flat: 3

Chances that the reference is falling flat right now: 99.8%

Chances that your attorney may actually be Samoan: 1 in 7,500,000

Total dollar amount of gambling revenue in the U.S. in 2003: $72 billion

Number of countries whose gross domestic product is lower than the amount of U.S. gambling revenue: 202

Number of countries in the world: 270

Minimum number of Beastie Boys songs that mention Kenny Rogers’ “The Gambler”: 1

Number of TV movies made from “The Gambler” between 1980 – 1994: 5

Year in which Mike D of the Beastie Boys is credited with the first in-print use of the word “mullet”: 1995

Price of the cheapest buffet seen advertised in Las Vegas: $2.99

Price of 1 oz. of caviar at Aquanox at the Venetian: $150

Number of television shows set in Las Vegas since 1978: 9

Average length of run, in years, of television shows set in Las Vegas: 2

Season of MTV’s ”The Real World” that was set in Las Vegas: 12

Current season of the “The Real World”: 15

Odds, in 2003, that Siegfried and Roy could beat Penn and Teller in a bar fight: 1,000 to1

Odds, in 2005, that Siegfried and a angry white tiger could beat Penn and Teller in a bar fight: 3 to 1

Minimum number of novels written by a Penn or Teller that is narrated by a trash-talking, pop culture-referencing, atheist sock monkey: 1

Rank of Iraq, Siberia and the New Jersey Turnpike as unlikely themes for new hotels in

Las Vegas: 1, 2, 3

Number of minutes I was told to wait while “we change the grease” when ordering deep- fried Twinkies and deep-fried Oreos on Freemont Street: 15

Dollars lost gambling while waiting for grease to be changed: $50

Minutes remaining to wait for grease to be changed after loss of $50: 12

Cost of one deep-fried Twinkie: $0.99

Cost of four deep-fired Oreos: $0.99

Estimated calories in a deep-fried Twinkie and four deep-fried Oreo: 750

Number of male and females with mulletes seen on Freemont Street while waiting for the grease to be changed: 7

Distance, in feet, from place that sells deep-fried Twinkie and Oreos to topless entertainment establishment: 16

Amount offered to Mystique, a topless entertainer, to “come back to my room and eat deep fried snack foods with me”: $50

Counter offer: $200

Amount settled on: $125

Amount of time, in hours, I will likely spend explaining to my wife that the above is just a joke: 1.75

Factor by which taste and pleasure of eating a deep-fried Twinkie and four-deep fried Oreos – alone – exceeded my expectations: -3

Cost of Tums needed after eating deep-fried Twinkies and four deep-fried Oreos at 11:00 at night: $3.99

Cost of winking holographic image of a Jesus on a cross for sale on Freemont Street outside of Mystique’s place of employment: $18

Perceived increase in chance of developing lung cancer from second-hand smoke after being in Las Vegas for five days: 125%

Actual increase in chance of developing lung cancer after being in Las Vegas for five days: 0.0005%

If you are a Samoan attorney or a sock monkey with attitude, we want to hear from you. Please contact us at fortyfootbuffet@yahoo.com.