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Heightened Security (from the files of "Nothing Is Original")
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Killing My Lobster Nothing Is Original features sketches inspired by texts found in the world at large. The scene below--not in the show--was written for the process, and is based on some language found on a BART (Bay Area Rapid Transit) flier. We love BART. We use BART. Like all that we love and use, we make fun of it...
Heightened Security
by Andy Alabran
People standing at BART platform waiting. In the center of the stage,
there is a large suspicious package (oddly shaped, odd size, oddly
wrapped, you get the idea.)
Voice over: 8 car
Pittsburgh/Bay Point train now approaching. Platform 1. 10 car
Richmond train in 4 minutes. 10 car Dublin/Pleasanton train in 11
minutes. Fremont train in 54 minutes. Attention passengers. Please
be aware of your surroundings.
Enter Actor to wait for BART. He/She notices the odd package. Also notices that no one else seems to notice the odd package.
Voice over (cont.): Riders can play an important role in BART's security by watching for and reporting suspicious packages or behavior...Actor begins to respond to Voice over as if he/she is being spoken to directly.Voice over (cont.): If you DO see a suspicious package: Move away from the package.Actor does soVO: Warn others.Actor: Actor taps people on shoulder, pointing to odd package, moving them away from odd package and ad libbing: "Hey. There's a suspicious package! I'm just warning you."VO: Report it to a BART employee immediately. When reporting something suspicious, provide as detailed a description as possible.Actor (approaching BART employee): Hi there how are ya? I'm Michael Joorhigian. I'm a Taurus. Born on January 12th at the... Oh nevermind! Listen. I was in the BART tunnel -- I mean I AM in the BART tunnel. I mean I am in THIS BART tunnel actually. The one with white tiles on the walls and huge promo ads for Dove Soap EVERYWHERE. (spinning and pointing) See? See? See? I was waiting for the Richmond train over there. I just came from work. I hate my job. And when I got there, I noticed this suspicious looking package. It's about this big and this high. There. That package over there. And I heard a voice. A voice that seemed to come from nowhere and yet everywhere at once. A voice comforting yet direct. Warm yet removed. It told me to go to a station agent. So I'm reporting to a station agent. You -- it's you here in front of me -- you are the agent.Station Agent: Could you be more specifc?Actor: Ok. Someone's walking to the package. He's walking. Oh wait, he stopped. He stopped. He wasn't walking to the package at all. He's walking to that woman and grabbing her purse and, look, he's running away with it. But the suspicious package is still there.Homeless Man (enters and crosses stage): A nickel and a smile will last a long while. Help the Homeless.Actor: (to station agent) A homeless man just walked by saying something. Huh, whatdya know. He's not walking over to the package at all. He couldn't care less about that odd suspicious looking package that could blow up any minute now if SOMEONE doesn't DO something about it and soon! Someone like a station agent perhaps?Station agent: Could you be more specific?Actor: You. You: the station agent. The guy I'm talking to. The young Asian man with the blank look on his face as if he were doing some Bea Arthur impression or something. Look with me now. Over there at that package. See? Again! There's someone ELSE walking over to it. That old woman. She's poking it gently with her cane.Station agent gets on walkie talkie.Actor: Finally! You're doing something. Thank you!
Two police officers come out and arrest him (or put him in a straightjacket) and lead him off.
Actor: Wait! What about the package?! The suspicious looking package?!VO: As always, it's a pleasure to serve you and thanks for helping make BART the #1 Transit System in America!
The crowd of people goes crazy, cheering. |
