The Smoking Gun has revealed that when traveling during the 2004 election Senator John Kerry’s hotel demands included never having tomato or tomato-based products near him,  that he hates celery and that the ability to order in-suite movies should always be turned on, as “these things make JK very happy.”  Rappers Busta Rhymes and 50 Cent each require a 24-piece bucket of fried chicken, preferably KFC.

Sheryl Crow has specific liquor demands for each day of the week (bourbon on Monday, gin on Tuesday, etc.)  These hotel and backstage demands are kept secret from the public, with the publishing of them on The Smoking Gun intended to embarrass or ridicule a person of high stature or celebrity. Unfortunately, for the writers of 40 Foot Buffet their hotel demands and other intimate secrets are similarly being revealed in explosive new book by a former employee.

Clive Waterhouse, senior Hollywood writer for London’s The Tattler, has the scoop.

40 Foot Buffet’s Secrets Revealed!

By Clive Waterhouse

Orange County, CA - Gluttony, debauchery, a tube sock fetish - these are but a few of the secrets revealed about the writers 40 Foot Buffet in the shockingly sad and sadly shocking tell-all book, 40 Feet of Hell, written by Serge Rocmananov, the former personal assistant to the writers of 40 Foot Buffet, Terry Wellman and Bill LaViolette. Serge Rocmananov is a Russian émigré who came to America looking for a better life from the mean streets of post-Soviet Russia. Instead of a better life he fell into a pit of mistreatment and bizarre demands.

One of the more humiliating aspects of his job was insuring that Terry and Bill’s hotel demands were met as they travel around the world promoting 40 Foot Buffet or speaking at medical conferences.  Below is the now infamous list that has left hotel staff around the world in tearful crumpled heaps on the floor like soiled linens.

Billy’s Demands

•  Telephone in bathroom must be a dedicated line to local talk radio station
• 3 bottles of V8 juice (spicy), chilled to 45 degrees
• 6 degrees of separation
• 9 Degree antiperspirants
• The Beatles' "White Album"
• The head of Alfredo Garcia on a plate
• A copy of the local sports page with all of the tire advertisements removed
• A black and white photocopy of the day's USA Today with all stories about events within the United States removed.
• One gallon of Old Grand Dad, an ice bucket and shot glass that reads "Texas Shot Glass"
• 3 dozen Double Stuffed Oreos with one cookie removed
• A velvet painting of dogs playing poker hung over the bed
• Television must receive ESPN Deportes and the hotel must provide the services of an interpreter to translate the action seen on television.
• 450 sheets of Cottonelle toilet paper removed from the roll and neatly stacked in individual sheets on top of the toilet
• A pillow on the bed specifically reserved for chocolates
• A pillow on the floor specifically reserved for my slippers
• 1 pound of salt harvested from the Great Salt Lake by virgin Mormons placed in the shower for exfoliation
• One Double Stuffed Oreo cookie
• Five never-worn, extra-cushioned, over-the-calf tube socks
• Nine pillows
• A Gideon’s Bible opened to the book of Galatians on the seventh pillow

Serge recounted the time when an Australian hotel provided regular Oreos instead Double Stuffed Oreos, and the maids found the room’s walls smeared with obscenities written in vegemite. The more bizarre and cruel aspect of this event is that Serge was forced to due the vandalism while Terry and Billy licked the stuffing out of the Oreos and threw the cookies out the window at unsuspecting pedestrians. These and other rock star-type antics have them barred from most major hotel chains.

 “They were such nice guys at first. Working for them seemed like such a great opportunity to further my career as a writer and circus performer,” Serge reminisces. “Later, I found the exact opposite was the case. I am still scarred - mentally and physically.”  

Serge also reveals in the book that when Terry did “write” a column he often only dictated it to Serge via walkie-talkie from Terry’s sound-proof, cork-lined room - or the “Sanctuary”, as it is called. When too busy napping or writing obsessive fan letters to celebrity chef Bobby Flay, Terry would outsource his columns to a group of writers in India. After receiving a draft from the writers overseas, which often have to be reconstructed from notes scribbled on torn pieces of paper, backs of envelopes and Chinese take-out menus, Terry would often just add a few adverbs or change the placement of a comma and call the work his own. When pressed about this by Serge, Terry responded petulantly, “What’s the big deal? Andy Warhol never actually did any of the labor for his famous silk screens. Even The Simpsons is animated in Korea. Now, shut up and come scratch my back. And put on the extra-long press-on nails this time.”

 Other details exposed about the 40 Foot Buffet writers include:

• Terry and Billy often refer to themselves as the “Lennon and McCartney of internet humor columnists” and have actually come to blows over who is Lennon and who is McCartney.

• The two have an ongoing feud with Dave Barry, who calls Terry and Billy the “Peaches and Herb of internet humor columnists.”  Who is Peaches and who is Herb is also fuel for fisticuffs between Terry and Billy.

• With his earnings from public speaking, Billy purchased several rhinestone-encrusted pant suits formally worn by slain Tejano singer Selena.

• Terry has to have his nose hair professionally trimmed every three to four days.