Brock Throckmorton: Good evening, America, welcome to Truth Be Told. Our extra special guest tonight is Pluto, the former ninth planet in our solar system. Tonight Pluto will be breaking his eight week silence to talk to us tonight. Pluto, thank you for being here. I know this is a rough time for you.

 
Pluto: Thank you for having me on your show. I really appreciate it.  This is a rough time Brock, but I have had a lot of support.

 
Brock: It has been eight weeks since the International Astronomical Union’s (IAU) decision. Why are you just now breaking your silence?

 
Pluto: My lawyers told me it would be best to wait and let the hoopla die down and come out with even, measured responses.

Brock: Is there anything you want to say to the IAU?

 
Pluto: Yes. (looks into the camera sternly) I think this is a total f!@%ing load of the most @#$%ed-up bull#$% that a bunch of !@#$% space nerds have come up with. I hope they get their $%^&* caught in the next black hole and they can shove the International Space Station up their collective !@#$%^& .!@#$%! . . . Oh. Can I say that on the air? You are on cable.

 
Brock: No, you can’t, but that’s okay. We thought this might happen. We are on a three second delay.

 
Pluto:  I’m sorry, Brock. So much for an even and measured response. I am just really upset. For the past 70-odd years since I was discovered by my “father” astronomer Clyde Tombaugh, I have been considered the ninth planet. But, now, in the blink of an eye, I no longer considered a planet, but a dwarf planet. A dwarf! Can you imagine, Brock?

 
Brock: Not really . . .

 
Pluto: Well, let me put it in terms you might be able to understand. This would be like cable executives from around the county getting together and deciding your show will now be called a “dwarf talk show” just because your ratings are lower than Tucker Carlson’s.

 
Brock: Well, since you put it that way, I see your point. (nervously) My ratings have been going up lately though, thanks in large part to guests like you, Pluto, and (into the camera) viewers like you out there . . . but let’s get back to you, Pluto. What does this mean for you, this “downgrade” if you will? Is it like Ford’s stock being downgraded to junk status?

 
Pluto: I wouldn’t go that far, Brock. Ford, eeeewww, I wouldn’t go near that stock. The IAU didn’t take away the term planet, just added a diminutive adjective in front of it. Not that there is anything wrong with be a dwarf or a midget. I just love that Mini-Me guy.

 
Brock: There is some controversy surrounding the decision by the IAU. Some members claim that when the vote was taken at the meeting only 4% of the eligible voters were present. Can you tell us more about this?

 
Pluto: I’ve got three words for you: Presidential Election 2000. That’s right. I have hired James Baker and the team of attorneys who won Bush v. Gore. This time there will be a recount. All of the voting members of the Union will be there. We will see to it that the vote is held properly, that all of the votes are counted and that everyone has a chance to vote. My sources tell me that when the vote was called, a member of the “Dwarf Faction” within the Union tricked other Union members into leaving the meeting by saying that Pamela Anderson and Jessica Simpson were at a booth to introduce a new telescope and were wearing only strategically placed comets and asteroid belts. As can imagine, interest in the proceedings plummeted as everyone rushed out to see these heavenly bodies. The Dwarf Faction has been out to get me for a long time. This is just an example of the dirty, sneaky tricks some astronomers will stoop to in order to get their way. But I am not worried - I have support, from within the astronomical and scientific community and the public at large.

 
Brock: Like who?

 
Pluto: Stephen Hawkins called me on the phone. I couldn’t really understand what he was saying, but I am pretty sure he called to give me his support - or he was calling me to give me the potato salad recipe I asked for. William Shatner and Patrick Stewart have come out in support of me keeping the planet status. The Dixie Chicks, too. And I’ve received thousands of letter and emails from elementary school kids around the country. Here let me read one to you. This is from third grader Heather Forester in White Plains, New York: “Dear Pluto, I think you should still be a planet. I will be sad for you if they say you are no longer a big planet. ” She’s got a smiley face and her i’s are dotted with flowers. How can you do anything to upset her?

 
Brock: I wouldn’t, but let me play devil’s advocate for a minute. What if the ruling stands or your attorneys are unsuccessful. What then? 

Pluto: I think that is very unlikely, but in the off chance, things to not go my way, they won’t have Pluto to kick around anymore. I’m getting the hell out of Dodge. If I am not going to be considered a full planet, I’m not going to stick around and do all this spinning and orbiting bullsh*t. It is dangerous and tough work. Plus, without full planet status I lose a lot of benefits. I don’t get the same level of health coverage - and with all of these comets and asteroids careening around out here, being struck by one is a not uncommon occurrence. Do you have any idea how much it costs to repair a mile-wide crater on your surface? Insurance is so necessary these days.

 
Brock: You say “getting the hell out of Dodge.” What do you mean?

 
Pluto: I’m leaving this orbit.

 
Brock: Where will you go?

 
Pluto: Closer to the sun. At the farthest point in my orbit I am 4.583 billion miles from the sun. I don’t think you can comprehend how cold it is out there. I’m freezing. I’ve had my eye on a balmy position between Earth and Mercury or maybe a condo in Florida.

 
Brock: In January of this year NASA launched the New Horizons spacecraft which is planned to be the first spacecraft to fly by Pluto. This will happen in 2015. If you leave, New Horizons won’t have much see when it gets to your location.  

 
Pluto: Well, sucks to be NASA. If they do not want that to happen, they should see what they can do about me getting my full planet status back.

 
Brock: Let’s back track a moment. You were the ninth planet in our solar system and you are so far out there, that we really don’t know much about you. There are some people out there who are watching and saying to themselves, “Pluto, ehhhh. Is it a planet or not? I don’t know and, quite frankly, don’t have time to ponder these things. Besides, football season is well underway and the baseball playoffs are just around the corner.” What do you want to say to these people to help them get to know the real Pluto, the Pluto behind all of this controversy?

 
Pluto: First of all, I would like to set one thing straight: I am not named after the Disney’s Pluto. It’s the other way around.

 
Brock: That is good to clear up, but it does not make you any less loveable.

 
Pluto: Ahhh . . . thanks for that, sweetheart. Let me give you a kiss.

Brock: (leans back, flustered) Wait, I . . . I . . . That wasn’t what I . . . Wait.

 
Pluto: HA! Gotcha, Brock. (belly laughs). Oh, that was a good one. I can’t wait to tell Jupiter. He always loves a good practical joke. I wasn’t going to kiss you. I’ll leave that to your suspender-wearing competition and large terrestrial thespian bodies.

 
Brock: (straightens his index cards and tries to regain his composure) I think this is a good time to take a break. We’ll be right back after these messages.

+++

 
Brock: Welcome back, everyone. Our guest tonight is Pluto, formerly the ninth planet in our solar system. But, thanks to a ruling by the International Astronomers Union eight weeks ago at their conference in Prague, is now considered a dwarf planet. Before the break, Pluto was telling us a little more about himself, letting us get to know the real Pluto. Go ahead, Pluto.

 Pluto: As I mentioned earlier I was discovered back in 1930 by Clyde Tombaugh in Arizona using a homemade telescope he made from parts of an old Buick. I have an eccentric orbit. And I was named by an 11-year old English girl after the Roman god of the underworld.  Translated into Chinese my name is “star of the king of the dead” and the Vietnamese have named me Yama or the Guardian of Hell.

 
Brock: Those are some mean-sounding names for such a small celestial body.

 
Pluto: I may be small, Brock, but I am scrappy. I like to think the Joe Pesci could play me in a movie.

 
Brock: Tell us more about your early life.

 Pluto: As you can imagine, Brock, it was not always easy. Being small can be tough sometimes - being picked last for basketball teams, being called “runt”, “pee wee”, things like that. And I did get picked on a lot. Some of Jupiter’s moons are really quite the bullies, especially Ganymede - and with a name like that are you surprised? Luckily, I am supported by my own rather capable moon, Charon. The two of us together once had Ganymede down for the count, but Venus stepped in at the last moment and prevented us from doing any permanent damage. I consider myself something of an expert on Napoleon. I was a big fan of Spudd Webb and Doug Flutie. I like Danny DeVito movies.

 Brock: Its time to take a few calls from our listeners. This is Brock Throckmorton. You are on Truth be Told. Who do we have on the line?

 
Caller #1: (in a mechanical, Speak-n-Spell voice) . . . home.

 
Brock: I beg your pardon. This is Truth Be Told with Brock Throckmorton. What is your name?

 
Caller #1:   E.

Brock:  Okay, “E”, if you don’t want to give us your real name that is fine. Where are you calling from?

Caller #1: T.

 Brock:  You’re calling from “T”. Is that Texas? Toledo? Timbuktu?

Caller #1: E.T. phone home.

 Brock:  Home? No, this is not home. Do you have a question for Pluto? You are on live TV.

 
Caller #1:  Home? Reese’s Pieces?

 
Brock: I believe you have the wrong number. (Frustrated and off camera to producer) Who’s screening these calls? Next caller please . . . Go ahead, Caller, you are on the air with Brock Throckmorton. Do you have a question for Pluto?

 
Caller #2: Hello there, Brock, Pluto. This is Carl Sagan. I am calling from the afterlife. Can you hear me okay?

Brock: Yes, we can hear you just fine, Carl. Thanks for calling. I hope you used our toll free number. I bet the long distance charges otherwise would be brutal.

 Carl Sagan: We get Virizon out here. Free long distance.

 Brock: Do you have a question for Pluto?

 
Carl Sagan: Yes, Pluto. Do you . . . (begins to snicker) know how many Reece’s Pieces it would take to reach you from earth? (stifled laughter)

 
Pluto: No. I’ve never thought about it.

 
Carl Sagan: Bbiillions and bbiillions. (unbridled laughter)

Brock: Uh, Carl, are you stoned?

Carl Sagan: Oooh, duuuude, I’m sooooo busted. Sorry, man, Bob Marley put me up to it.

 
Pluto: So you’re smoking pot and hanging out with Bob Marley in the afterlife? Doesn’t sound too bad. Can you tell us more about the afterlife?

 
Carl Sagan: It’s a lot like Amsterdam but without all the canals.

 Brock: (a bit put out) Carl, do you, a deceased, world-renowned astronomer and pioneering exobiologist who is somehow stoned and calling from the afterlife, have a question for Pluto?

 Carl Sagan:Ya got any chili cheese Fritos, man? Bob ate the last bag and wouldn’t share and I’ve got the -

 Brock: Well, folks that is about all the time we have for calls tonight. I would like to -

 Pluto: Excuse me, Brock. Before we go, I would to send some props out to my supporters. First of all, there are my boyz from Brooklyn, 2 Skinnee J’s. Back in 1998 they came out with a rap song called “Pluto" that foreshadowed this debate and defended my status as a planet. I wouldn’t be surprised to see this song climbing up the charts faster than Haley’s Comet. (Lyrics here, listen to song here.) Also, Bjork also has a song called "Pluto", so I know I have the good people of Iceland supporting me. Some of my people are talking to Bob Geldoff and Willie Nelson about putting together a tribute/support album. It is tentatively called "Get Your Head Out of Uranus and Save Pluto.”

Brock: (skeptically) Uhhh . . . nice title.

 Pluto: We're working on it.

(Randy Newman’s “Short People” begins to play.)

Brock: It looks like we are out of time. I want to thank Pluto for being here with us tonight and sharing his story and his struggle. And thank you, America, for joining us tonight. Goodnight.