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40 FOOT BUFFET: Nurseryville Crime Report
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 St. Louis, Detroit, Compton, Baltimore, Camden and Nurseryville. What
do these cities have in common? The highest crime rates in the country.
“Nurseryville?” you ask. That’s right. The once-sleepy burg of
Nurseryville, just a short drive north of here, found itself on the
list of the Most Dangerous Cities in America for the first time in its
175 year history.Shocked? So are we. Just take a look at this recent crime report from the Nurseryville Reader & Gazette. So, the next time you are in Nurseryville to pick up tasty treats from the famous Muffin Man Bakery or visit the lawyers at the firm of John, Jacob, Jingleheimer & Schmidt, PLC, be sure to lock your car doors and keep your wallet in your front pocket. 40 Foot Buffet cares about its readers, so consider yourself warned – It’s a jungle out there!
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Nurseryville Crime Report – Week of January 13 though January 20
By Collin Stanley, Nurseryville Reader & Gazette Crime Beat Reporter
January 13, 1:19 PM, Watertop Hill – Assault and battery on one Mr. Jack and Ms. Jill. The couple was pushed down the hill while fetching a pail of water. The unidentified assailant is still at large.
January 14, 3:32 PM, The Wall – Humpty Dumpty, star editorial cartoonist of King Features Syndicate, was pushed off the wall. Representatives from King Features Syndicate were unable to put him back together. He was declared cracked and dead at the scene by the paramedics. Witnesses report seeing a clown with a small head and yellow and orange polka dotted suit running away from the scene not being particularly funny. This reported has also been told by kids in the know that The Wall is also known, as a late night, under-age drinking hang-out for local high school students.
January 15, 6:09 PM, 6504 Sun Court – Police and fire department were called to a house fire at 6504 Sun Court. A small fire was ignited when the child of the house, Jack, failed to clear a candle while attempting to be nimble and quick. There was only minor damage. No injuries were reported.
January 16, 10:37 AM, Dunberry Elementary School – Police, Center for Disease Control and Homeland Security were called to the school after a report of bubonic plague breaking out among a group of children singing “Ring Around the Rosie". The round, red rash and sneezing, two signs of bubonic plague, exhibited by one of the students were later found to be caused by an allergic reaction of a bee sting. The call to the police and CDC was reportedly made by a student with hypochondriac tendencies posing as a school administrator.
January 16, 11:52 AM, King’s Castle and Pub – Police were called to King’s Castle and Pub, a popular north-side eatery to disperse activists from the local branch of People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals. The PETA protesters were picketing outside the restaurant and driving away lunch-time customers. A PETA spokesperson claimed that the restaurant’s signature dish – Four and Twenty Blackbirds Baked in a Pie – represents cruelty to animals because the blackbirds are baked in the pies while still alive. No arrests were made.
January 17, 4:47 PM, Jasper Fforde High School – Local registered sex offender Georgie Porgie was reported kissing girls from the Jasper Fforde Lady Bears track team during their practice and making them cry during. Georgie Porgie ran away when the boy’s track team came out to practice and began to chase after him. Georgie Porgie has not been seen since. Coming within 100 yards of a school is a violation of Mr. Porgie’s parole. Police request that anyone who sees Mr. Porgie to please call 911 immediately.
January 18, 12:30 PM, King’s Castle and Pub – Police and paramedics were called back to King’s Castle and Pub as a swarm of blackbirds pecked off the nose of the wife of the proprietor, “Queen”, as she likes to be called. PETA members were questioned but found not to be involved. Residents of Nurseryville are advised to keep their noses covered when blackbirds are about.
January 20, 11:32 PM, 27 Batali Way – Police and social services were called to the Rockabye resident at 27 Batali Way after a neighbor reported hearing the sound of a baby crying from the top of a tree. Police and a fire-and-rescue truck found six-month old Tyler Rockabye in his cradle in a bough 30 feet high. The officer on the scene said that the bough of the oak tree that held the cradle was perilously close to breaking, likely due to the seasonal “Wolf Blowing”, the local moniker for the Santa Ana winds. Claude and Eleanor Rockabye were arrested and charged with child endangerment. Baby Rockabye is staying with relatives in nearby town of Andersen while the police and social service investigation is underway.
A lifetime supply of muffins from the Muffin Man will be given to the first reader to identify Humpty’s assailant. Props to Jasper Fforde for the inspiration for this column.
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