 Rather than spend spend $8.99 on trashy airplane reading –
create your own! 40 Foot Buffet provides free to you, the loyal 40 Foot
Buffet readers, a handy tool for easily writing your own mass market
paperback. It’s Pulp-O-Matic!Warning: Pulp-O-Matic should not be used in Williamsburg
or at Yaddo. Pulp-O-Matic may be harmful to small children and
comparative literature majors. Pulp-O-Matic may create unexplained loud
noises. Despite the allure of Pulp-O-Matic’s gentle vibrations,
Pulp-O-Matic may cause a rash if placed near sensitive body parts.
Instructions for Use of Pulp-O-Matic:
- Chose one item from columns A through F to create the outline of your novel.
- Brew a strong pot of coffee. As Honore Balzac says, “When we drink coffee, ideas march in like the army.”
- Start pounding that keyboard like Jerry Lee Lewis jacked up on Red Bull and crack cocaine. Don’t
worry about character development or using too big of words, just keep
the explosions big, the passion steamy and the plot twisty.
|
A |
B |
C |
D |
E |
F |
|
Main
Character |
Formerly with . . . |
Now with
the . . . |
Must
Stop . . . |
From . . . |
While falling in love with . . . |
|
The ruggedly handsome Riley Black |
Secret Service |
CIA |
Iran |
Instigating a war between the U.S. and Russia . |
The beautiful and brilliant Kate Stewart, UN Interpreter |
|
The handsomely rugged Kent Ironfeather |
Oklahoma City Police |
Department of Homeland Security |
Malevolent computer programmers from former Soviet Bloc countries |
Crippling the world economy by bringing down the Internet. |
The sexy and indefatigable Kate Washington, MSNBC Reporter |
|
The rugged and handsome Rock Storm |
Genetech |
Center for Disease Control |
Islamo-Fascist Terrorists |
Infecting the LA, NY and DC water supply with a deadly virus. |
The stunning and wily, Kate Motherwell, Pharmaceutical Lobbyist |
|
The dashing and steely Jack Stone |
Marine Sniper Unit |
FBI Counter-Terrorism Unit |
Cubans, Venezuelans, Oliver Stone, Michael Moore |
Completing an intricate plot to assassinate top government leaders. |
The dark and alluring Elsa Silva, State Department Latin American Specialist |
|
The overweight and pimply Fred Schlippnittz |
ITT’s airplane mechanics course (one semester, D+ avg.) |
Mall Security Rent-a-Cop; Local “24” fan club president. |
Anarchist arm of the local high school chemistry club |
Infecting the mall’s supply of Diet Coke with a deadly virus. |
The blonde and easy, Tiffany Kate Westmoreland, Assistant Manager of Bath & Body Works |
|
The smarmy and ambitious Thaddeus Monroe III |
Marin High School Young Republicans |
UC Berkeley’s Young Republicans |
Berkeley City Council |
Declaring its independence from the US and endangering his future prospects of a presidential run. |
The passionate and elusive, Ziva “Kate” Aziz, Palestinians for Peace club secretary, Hillary Clinton 2008 volunteer |
When you are done with your novel you can even have your B, C and D* List friends or Larry King use these handy templates for creating blurbs to place on the back cover.
“A ________ good yarn!”
a) rip-snorting
b) coke-snorting
c) glue-huffing
d) rip-roaring
“Will keep you reading ______________!”
a) until the wee hours of the morning
b) until your eyes bleed
c) in the airport until an attractive stewardess walks by
d) during the commercial breaks during Sports Center
“A ____________ thriller!”
a) high octane, jet-fueled, techno-lover’s
b) white-knuckled, whiplash-inducing
c) roller-coaster-operator-on-crystal-meth, scream-for-your-life
d) ‘this is the way the farmer rides’
“So long, _______________! There is a new master in town. [your name] just shoved a dirty bomb up your ass.”
a) John Le Carre
b) Tom Clancy
c) Daniel Silva
d) Ken Follett
* 40 Foot Buffet is available for blurbing. Just by us some donuts or an XM Radio subscription. |
