Those are three ways to describe the ladies of KML For the Very First Time, our new show running November 8 through December 8 at ODC Theater (3153 17th at Shotwell in SF).

We managed to squeeze five minutes into a recent rehearsal for the show to ask the director and the cast members three simple "first time" questions. Though beverages were not served, refreshment was certainly had in the form of these answers.

[Note: answers for the other cast members who were not present will be coming soon, by the miracle of e-mail technology...] 

Erin Carter: Hearing Bel Biv DeVoe's "Poison" for the first time. It was mind-blowing. With lyrics like "Don't trust a big butt and a smile," how could it not be?

Fontana Butterfield: I would have to say the first time I accepted Jesus Christ as my personal savior. I think I did it mostly cause I was at hippy bible camp, and when you accepted Jesus Christ as your personal savior you got to go up on stage in front of the whole camp and talk on the microphone. My other best first time was getting married for realsies at City Hall when Gavin Newsom did his whole we are the world thing. Ah, full circle. 

Melanie Case: My favorite first time memory is my first time getting caught by the po-po. Yes, the first, which means there was a second, a third, and a fourth. These all happen to have been moving violations. What kind of "moving," I can't say. My friend Suze and I were 10 and got caught setting a fire at our elementary school. We weren't arsonists; it was a controlled fire, as we were smart, and we had cleared a small area of brush and twigs so the fire wouldn't spread. We were actually roasting hot dogs and pretending to be "tramps" like Tom Sawyer and Huck Finn. I fantasized about being a tramp. Not a slut, mind you— meaning, I wanted to run away. (Not sure about Suze.) Instead of running away, we went to buy hot dogs at the Dutch Goose (no, it's not a made-up name) and poke them on sticks and roast them over a fire at our school. Why our school , I have no idea. Well, pretty soon the po-po came and swooped in to arrest us, and we kicked dirt at the fire and ran into the trees. About 30 seconds after that, I had fallen into a bush, and Suze was helping me get out of it, when over a megaphone we heard, "We're sending the dogs out after you." As I decided I didn't want to be the German Shepherd's hot dog on a stick, we had a moment of negotiation. "Should we run away? Should we run back? Should we run away? Should we run back?" We decided to run back to the cops, whence laughter began as they saw two 10-year old girls running out of the bushes. They asked us our names. "Susan Gardner," she said, "Francine Delapetoisse," I said. No, I didn't. I said, "Melanie Case." They again suppressed a laugh, as they had thought we were boys, due to our matching bowl haircuts. (I wore earrings, so they probably thought I was a progressive-Don Johnson-kind of -1988 boy.) They took us home as we cried in the back of the 4.0. The Shepherd went in the other cruiser, thank God. After they dropped us off at home, Suze and I did not see each other for ten years. Except at school, when I did see her, but we were no longer friends, because her parents thought I was a bad influence, which I probably was, so I no longer "saw" her. It was sad and tragic, except that she will probably come and see this show, so it's not really that sad, or tragic. It's actually kind of sweet. And somewhat heartwarming. Is your heart warm? Mine is. Moral: The po-po doesn't always win in the end. Friendship is the ultimate winner.

Leslie Waggoner: The first time I met my best friend, I left my scarf in his car. He returned it to me the next day saying, "It smells like you! I slept with it all night!" That's actually pretty gross, come to think of it.

Emily Jordan: Getting invited to do a KML show!  This really is my very first time. KML is popping my sketch-comedy cherry.  I've been waiting to do this ever since I was a little girly and first experienced the giddy egomanical thrill of comical clout, getting my Mum to laugh at my impressions of women in shampoo commercials.

Sarah Mitchell: My first memory unaided by photographic evidence. I was still in diapers. Well, just one diaper at the time of this memory. I got up in the middle of the night because I needed to use the baby ladies room. I remember stopping short in the hallway thinking oh wow, if I take the diaper OFF, I won't be able to get it back ON. What should I do? I love that I had the critical thinking skills to understand the implication of my actions, yet I was still not to be trusted without a diaper at night. This is when you start wondering just how old I was when I was finally potty trained.

What was the worst "first time" experience you had?

Sarah: The first time I had to sleep the whole night without a diaper. 

Leslie: The first time I went to The Power Exchange here in SF, I was trying to look in one of those open-top tents. Unimpressed with the goings-on therein, I briskly walked away, only to trip on one of the wires holding the tent down. My hands and face were sticky for the rest of the week.

Fontana: The first time I got a perm. The lady missed a section in front, so I had straight bangs and curly hair. Nice!

Emily: My first day at school.  The day itself wasn't actually too bad (my teacher was groovy in the way that British primary school teachers used to be and she played a folksy guitar), but I didn't understand until I got home that evening that I had to continue going back day after day.  I thought I only had to go once and that would be it.  I'll never forget being laughingly told that my time at school would most likely continue for another 16 or 17 years.  Horrific news for a 5 year old. I'll never understand what was so catatonically funny.  Now I come to think about it my mother was far too prone to laughter when I was a child.

Shaye: Eating okra.  That shit is slimy.

Melanie: Getting a root canal. Jesus, why? Do you have to ask?

Erin: Pooping in the woods. I just felt so exposed, and, well, my aim wasn't so good back then. 

What first time experience are you most looking forward to?

Leslie: The first time I can get Sarah Mitchell to shut up will probably be pretty sweet.

Emily: Ever since I was about 4 years old I’ve avoided any contemplation of the future.  But on a serious note, I am always hoping that one day I'll see a government that actually acts to prevent human misery rather than avenge it, or generate it, or ignore it completely.  Other than that I'd quite like to be somebody's mother - seems like that could be pretty hilarious.

Melanie: Directing a feature film, getting married, going to the Galápagos and Ecuador… can't think of anything funny to say… I just want to have those first times.

Sarah: My first time in the cryogenic freezer.  

Erin: Being invited to join the Martha Graham Dance Company after they see the incredible dance moves in KML For the Very First Time. 

Fontana: Being called Mommy....hmmmm by a child (as opposed to my fans on the corner of 16th and Mission.)

Shaye: My directorial debut, bitches!

KML For the Very First Time. Nov 8 through Dec 8 at ODC. Buy your tickets... now!