Dear Esther

“Dear Esther”  is written by Esther also known as Queen of Shushan also known as Queen Jewess also known as ‘the one who saved the Jews the first time’.  It is the most popular and widely syndicated column in all of Shushan known for its honesty and biblical perspective.

Dear Esther,

I’ve been drinking the wine sweetened with lead as the apothecary prescribed and I’ve been soaking in camel poop and ground figs for months, but now my skin tone is uneven, especially in my T-zone. What’s your secret? Signed, Jasmine

Jasmine,

You won’t believe this, but your Auntie Esther was a pageant queen back in her day. I was a real hot hamantaschen. And you know, The King wasn’t the only one sniffing my babushka. They were all interested, even the eunuchs. I could have had anyone.  My secret?  Lots of kugel. Gives the King a little something to grab onto on those cold Shushan nights. 

Dear Esther,

We think our daughter may be dating a Moor but we’re not sure how to bring it up. We have nothing against them as a people, but we are a very traditional family. Should we stone her?  Agustus

Dear Agustus,

Stoning? For me, it’s overkill. But what do I know? I’m just a simple jewish girl who likes to defend her people and massacre others. That’s me. I don’t judge. Even when I see what’s going on at the Feldman’s across the street. The coming and going at all hours of the night? I just keep to myself. Like I said to my fried, Myrtle, is it my business that the youngest girl is a harlot? No. I stay out of it. But just between us, I think its drugs. You don’t get that thin milking goats.

Dear Esther, my husband has left the barn door open again and all the goats have escaped.  What do I do? 

Dear Goat Rodeo,

Oy. My husband is forgetful too. Always with the “do you know where I left my favorite rope belt, tell me again who saved my life, what time is dinner with the Goldblatts on Thursday?” It’s a real schnickle in my guggannah. Here’s what you should do. Get yourself a nice eunuch to help out around the yurt. And have some brisket. You’re too thin.

Esther